Tactic One – Emphasizing Common Goals
Emphasize common goals, such as ask the disputant(s) to consider for a person or a cause, so that they won’t focus on some trivial conflict and current problems.
A similar tactic is part of “people skills”in American mediators’ handbook, according to the Harrisonburg Community Mediation Center (1992), is defined as “highlight commonalities and good intentions”(Mckinney, Kimsey & Fuller, 1995, p.79).In the case of the Shijiazhuang pre-trial divorce mediation, the mediator tries to ask both parties to think for their child instead of only for themselves.This is a common tactic used in divorce mediation when the mediator is trying to get the parties to reunite.The following speech is made by the mediator:
“…What I mean is that since your marriage has come so far,you already have a child, that is to say, it has rooted,bloomed, and born fruits, you already have a child.So since it has come to this stage, the child doesn’t matter most, no (I mean), you both matter most, the child also matters most.Let’s think about which way is good for our child’s growth,life, good for the child’s physical and mental development,then we should adopt that way, right? I think this is the point… In this circle of living environment, think more about the feelings of your elderly people, about the feelings of your child, Uh, and more about how you should get along with each other, right? Nobody is perfect, right? So, since you have become a family, you should tolerate…each other.Be tolerant of what? Not only tolerate his or her merits, but also his or her weaknesses.Uh, only in this way can you two get along.And, about being tolerant, it needs a certain degree of, of ability to control yourself, which is the key point, right? A certain degree of self-control is very important.So, when you can tolerate, control yourself, it is, for the child’s physical and mental development, very helpful.It is helpful for the child’s physical and mental development.Well, as a mother,or as a father, you should start from this point of view.I think you should start from this point of view to give it more consideration, right? Give it more consideration.In this way,you are of one mind.If a stranger, by the way, asks for your help, you will be ready to give a hand.Now it is your child in need of help from her parents, why can’t you help your child?Is that the point? …So, from a parent’s point of view, or from a child’s point of view, and from both of your points of view,I think you should be…uh…very careful, uh, very careful.Uh…it is not like that, now it’s the second time that…that you came, the court has to grant your divorce.It cannot be like that.If you don’t agree to divorce, we still can go through mediation to fix it.Is that right? So, as for such a matter, it depends on what direction you are heading in, uh, in what direction you are heading in — you are considering more about the child, or more about each other, or more about your elderly, or more about yourself.I think you should think about this.And, it depends on where you stand.If your standpoint is… uh, that I just think about myself, reflecting that, in this family, I have suffered so much, then… As a husband, I just think about myself, she didn’t allow me to spend the money she earned — I only think for myself, nobody thinks for the child, nobody thinks for the elderly, then the marriage is doomed to break, right, the marriage is doomed to break…”
The mediator is altercasting the roles of parents on the husband and wife, specifying on repeated occasions that they need to consider their child’s needs instead of their own.She also urges them to think more about the elderly people in their family.Having a divorce will definitely break their hearts and force them lose face.In this case pursuing the child’s welfare, as well as the consideration for the elderly, is the common goal for both parties.In spite of all the differences and conflict they have, the husband and the wife still have these other people in common, which makes compromising meaningful.
Other-orientedness is a key characteristic of Chinese culture.Thinking for other people especially one’s younger and older than oneself, is considered a virtue.Therefore, this common consideration for the child and their elder becomes an important bond between the husband and wife if there is no love shared between them anymore.Based on this parental bond, the mediator asks the husband and the wife to tolerate each other and to keep the marriage intact.Tolerance is another virtue inherited mostly from the tradition of Taoism and Buddhism.Note that the mediator was not giving instructions on what the husband and wife should do but simply laid out their options — thinking only for oneself or thinking more for the child and the elderly.She points out each option and lets the couple choose for themselves.However, she is obviously in favor of making the child and the elderly the priority for the husband and the wife.
The case of the dispute between the owners’ committee and the manager of the apartment complex within a community, the head of the Ccommunity office starts her speech at the very beginning of the mediation by saying that every one is working hard for a common cause — to make the neighborhood a better place, and therefore there should not be a major or fundamental conflict among them that cannot be resolved.(https://www.daowen.com)
“… I thought carefully about you several people, and I feel that there is no acute conflict in you several people, no acute conflict.In fact, a common goal of you is one.It is to make the neighborhood good together.Your owners’ committee is what you have been thriving for several years, this long period of time, to achieve.Now, I should say, this owners’committee, have come into shape.Your neighborhood, within this one year, not even one year, I should say that you have done a lot of things for the people.It brings changes.Of course, the people in your neighborhood have felt that way.(In order to) continue solidifying, and enlarging this result, I should say, making this result better, now you should make joint effort, make joint effort, unify your heart and strength,and make it good together…All are, actually the hostility is all for the sake of the goodness of the neighborhood… Look what (a mess) you have turned into.This one blames that one,that one blames this one.You have killed the original fruit you achieved.In this kind of situation, the people will have doubts, ‘then what did we elect you for? For your fights? For your unresolved problems?’”
The mediator, as the head of the community office, reflects on the forming of the owners’ committee for the neighborhood,emphasizing that it is the result of their ongoing joint efforts over many years.She affirms that they “have done a lot of things for the people”and “it brings changes”.She then speaks of the future for the neighborhood; pointing out that the two disputing parties should joint efforts and work together.By clarifying this common cause of both the owners’ committee and the management committee for the past, for the present and for the future, she urges them to save “the original fruit”they achieved so as to not disappoint the people in the neighborhood.Here the common goal is the quality of the neighborhood as well as their hopes and expectations.The owners’ committee is the “fruit”of the residents’ efforts to establish democracy for many years.
In the case of the child’s sickness, the mother and her mother in law dispute over who should pay for the child’s medical costs.The mediator points out that the child’s future and well being should be their common concern, thus they should not fight over this current cost issue but instead should join their efforts and funds to provide the child with the best care and medical service.The mediator also promises to send over volunteer workers to the hospital and help the mother apply for financial subsidies, making the process easier for the family and the child.This tactic works in this mediation; both the mother and the grandma agree to share the burden of the child’s past and future medical cost in the end.
“Now the key of the problem does not lie in (…), the key is the problem of who to pay.Now, the kid is the most important.He is only 15 or 16 years old.There is still a long way in between, and (he) needs to walk to the end of his life.You elders, come to discuss about the next half life of the kid.For him to grow healthily, it takes you in one heart and strength to solve this issue well.As the mother, you have responsibility, (because) you are the direct guardian.As the grandmother, now WangXin does not have a father, and you are relatively better off, so you should help as well.After all,you are one family.The issues of one family, it takes one family to share the burden.Do you agree?”
The mediator mentions the concept of family, which is strongly emphasized in the Chinese culture.The collective nature of Chinese culture makes family ingroup members a priority for concern.Mentioning the interests of a family unites the members immediately, as if to say that people in this family are all in the same boat.Thus the suffering of the child is also the suffering of the whole family, thus they should work hard together to ensure the boat sails smoothly across the sea of this hardship.