Case 2 – Shijiazhuang pre-trial divorce mediation
A：
Me(mediator): Before our mediation, according to your situation, let’s firstly check out your husband’s mood.
W(woman): Ok.
Me: You two have sued once, haven’t you?
M(man): Yes.
Me:You sued the first time, and the court decision was divorce.Then you sued the second time, right? The plaintiff is called Lu Huiling?
W: Yes.
Me: Well, yes.Uh, you are….now where do you work?
W: In Zhengding.
Me: Zhengding, Zhengding vocational school, right?
W: Yes.
Me: Uh, work there.Now where do you live?
W: School, live in a dormitory, together with one of my former classmates.
Me: Oh.Now it is on vacation, isn’t it?
W: Yeah.
Me: Uh, what about the defendant? The defendant is called…Ding Jian, and you were born in 1963, right?
M: Yeah.
A: This is…… at the development park?
M: Yeah.The City Boiling Water Company.
Me: Boiling Water Company, well, I work there, a regular worker.Now where do you live?
M: Institute.
Me: Oh, in an Institute.Institute? Which one?
M: *********
(the place where he lives)
Me: Oh.When did you get married… which year?
W: April 4, 1998.
Me: April 4, 1998.Oh, your marriage is…..through a matchmaker?
W: By a matchmaker.
Me: By a matchmaker, well, how long, how long had you known each other before the wedding?
W: From the first date to the wedding, it was more than a year.But in the middle we stopped seeing each other for about one year.
Me: In the middle stopped seeing each other for about a year.Oh.Because of what?
W: I originally was in the… on loan to the Zhengding No.2 Middle School, that was in their hometown.After that, I went back to the Center of Vocational Education.
Me: Oh, because of your job, lost in touch.
W: Not lost… that is to say, if it’s serious dating, there should be contacts.We were not far from each other.Because after the break off, I just threw it out of my mind.
Me: After the break off, how did you get in touch again?
W: He tells, let him tell.
M: I… I don’t want to hear it.Now if anybody is to blame, just blame me.
(The man goes into another room, shut the door behind him.)
Me: Calm down, don’t go.During the fact verification you both have duty.Aha ha… later he took the initiative and contacted you?
W: Yes.
Me: Oh.During the break off, who first looked for whom?
W: Neither did…
Me: Oh, neither contacted the other.
W: Yeah.
Me: But later, he took the initiative and looked for you?
W: Yes.
Me: Came to your work place or called you on a phone?
W: Work place.At that time I didn’t have a phone.He did, I didn’t.
Me: Ok.I get to know your situation is to get to know the affection backgrounds, so…
W: (cry)
Me: This guy’s temper is quite bad, aha ha.
W: It is, very normal.
Me: Yeah, a quite bad temper.
W: May I know your family name?
A: I, I, first, learn about the situation, then in the future,you can come.My family name is Yang.About marriage this stuff, as a saying goes, ‘free marriage’, on general conditions, the marriage has lasted for such a long time,well, people’s feelings are both...Having problems is normal.Why others don’t have problems, just we have problems? Well, according to this situation, let’s analyze it, let’s see if the marriage have or not have possibilities to work out again.If actually no possibilities to fix it,then just let it go.If there are some, ‘not for the monk’s sake, but for the Buddha’s’, right? So, at the beginning, I have said, we are going to verify your marriage situation,verify some of your real feelings during that time.See, he doesn’t come?
Another: He refused to come.
A: You wait for a moment.We should sit face to face…
B：Me: Uh…we, before we go to the court, let’s go through the mediation again.About the mediation, that is to say, uh…before the mediation, let’s first verify your both moods.OK.After verifying your moods, each side states the reasons, facts, and situations.Well, when you speak, we should be face to face, state the situations.The statements are helping to verify the facts happened at lately period of time, such as after the first court decision,that period of time, your life and communication, and family situation.Uh…to verify is to verify this.Through verifying this, we can learn about your latest situation,then according to your respectively thinking, lives, we can do some appropriate mediation, ah, do appropriate mediation.If after all the patience and sincerity, uh, you still feel you cannot live together, uh…find another partner, Ok? Well, you can… we…, hear this, our people always say this…uh, ‘you can destroy ten temples, but should never damage one marriage’.It means that as long as two people can get married, that is fate, right? This kind of fate, only one side to cherish, it doesn’t work.It must be cherished by both.And the man is more important,he he, right? And the man is more important.About many things, the man, when it’s necessary, should take the initiative, right? So, be soft when you need to.Don’t think that you are a man, and then you often lose your temper.Otherwise, your relationship will…hard to become harmonious.If the man’s temper is bad, the woman’s temper is also bad, well, for you two, I think that, to get well again, the possibilities are not few.Well, for the verification, our purpose is to know your two sides’situations, ah.I always look at both sides’ situation.Having possibilities, we will...whatever it cost, to the direction of getting restored, we do our job; if you feel that…uh…no possibilities, you both feel there are no possibilities, then we’ll… see, all right? Ah, you both heard it all clear?
W: Yes.
Me: Ding Jian, are you clear?
M: Me… Clear.After the verification…verify the situations,then state…back to back.
Me: No…
M: I don’t want to say it face to face.
Me: No, no no.
M: I don’t want to say it face to face.
Me: After the verification, after the verification, after the verification of the situations, then we discuss again, face to face, back to back, all about the…well, that is to say,when sitting face to face, tell the truth or not, then you can…one side state one side’s reasons, this side gives one kind of story, the other side gives another one, otherwise you….we believe whose story? Yeah? So, when it needs to verify the facts, we verify the facts, when it needs to sit back to back, then we sit back to back, all right? Our job……
M: Then…then…, no…back to back…
Me: uh…you think that we should…
M: ******
Me: Look, about this…uh, we should…look, my way is like this,well, I tell you my purpose, we want to know that both of you, your current situation, whether you…agree with our mediation.OK? The plaintiff, you…you, now do you agree with our mediation?
W: however you do the mediation…
Me: Uh, however we do the mediation, mediation is mediation,divorce is divorce.
W: Yes.
Me: Ok.
W: So I said…
Me: Uh, even we fix the problems, you will still…
W: Yeah, yes.
Me: Agree with the mediation, that’s what you mean.Ding Jian, and you?
M: No matter what you do, I don’t divorce.
Me: Uh, uh, you both mean this: however the meditation is going, you will get the divorce.
M: No divorce.
Me: Ah, no divorce.Well, you make it clear, it’s good.Uh, no divorce, but if we do the job according to our law, there are law rules, it’s not your call, no divorce, then no divorce, divorce, then divorce.In the court, our Marriage Law has stipulated in explicit terms about that, Ok.The first time, the court decision is no divorce.The second time, if it decides no divorce again, then it has reasons about that, right? No divorce, it has no-divorce reasons.
M: Uh, that is the court’s business.
Me: Uh, so, at first, let’s do the mediation.After the mediation, about next step, we talk about it later, OK? Uh,both agree…both agree with the arbitration, both agree with the mediation on this matter.Because the mediation,both sides are of your own free will, uh… if one side doesn’t agree with the mediation, then we can not force you to divorce.Well, so, first we look at your situation,the purpose, the intention.If one side agrees but the other side doesn’t agree, we cannot force, both sides agree with the mediation, and let’s start to do it.Well,before it starts, let’s first verify the facts at that time.Verify, just like I said before…uh… to look at your current situation.Just now we talked with the plaintiff, start from the plaintiff, then we go on to the defendant.
I just now asked the plaintiff about her situation, and the defendant about his detailed situation.Well, the first court decision was no divorce…now, again, I ask the plaintiff first, uh…
After the first court decision of no divorce, uh…the plaintiff,please say something about, recently, how do you live your life?
W: We live separately.
Me: Live separately.
W: Yeah.
Me: Uh, the…the child lives with whom?
W: At his house, he did not allow me to see her.
Me: Uh, at the father’s house.Uh, the child is 5 years old?
W: Yeah, 5 years, 5 years and……., 5 years…and 5 more months.
Me: Oh.So, now you live alone, you are at Zhengding?
W: Yes.
Me: Vocational School.
W: Right.
Me: And……he is……?
W: I don’t know.
Me: Oh, at the place where he lives.
W: Yeah.
Me: Ok, like this.
W: Yeah, but it is because that, my house, I am not able to live in.
Me: That is……
W: The lock has been changed, I live……
Me: This…, you know, it is that you live separately.After the first court decision of no divorce you, all the time, have lived separately?
W: Yeah.
Me: Then the…your property, property, that is to say, the house is your co-owned property, or it is……
W: Right.
Me: Well, co-owned property.That is co-owned property.
W: In 2001 we decided to buy that house, but because we had bought, uh…, at that time, he had just bought the treasury bonds, the house wasn’t bought yet.In 2003, which month?uh…they gave us the keys.Until 2004, finally……
Me: In 2003……in 2003 you paid…
W: Paid the money.
Me: OK.
W: Not until then the……well, we…got our keys.
Me: Paid the money, they gave him the keys?
W: It should be in 2002, in November or December.
Me: Now the keys……
W: We first paid the down payment, the last time was……
Me: The down payment was paid in 2002?
W: Should be.All was…
Me: Then, in 2003, you paid what fee?
W: In 2003…we got the keys.
Me: Ok, the down payment was paid in 2002?
W: Yeah.In 2004 it was……that…it was too long, in 2004, it should be we had…
Me: In 1998, you got married.In 2002…, it was during the marriage, you bought the house.
W: Yes.
Me: Ok.
Me: Oh, during the marriage, you bought the house…, when you bought the house…who paid the money?
W: Uh…at the beginning, when it was time to pay, he went there himself, because…I was…not convenient, he went himself.Later, well, because, when we paid down the payment, we needed…to get a loan, I went with him.Because it was necessary for me to sign, he asked me to go with him.
Me: Oh, got the loan, done by you?
W: Uh, we went together.
Me: Ok, got the loan, you two went together.And, about the title to the house, whose name is on the book?
W: His name.
Me: After getting married, the finance, how do you managed?
W: My…my bankbook, I keep it myself.About his, I have no idea.I never use his bankbook.
Me: OK, after getting married, you managed your own money separately.
W: After getting married no, just after the first court decision.After getting married, my money was always managed by him, because I do not handle money.I trust him too much, so that my money was looked after by him.
Me: After getting married, it was Ding Jian who was managing the money?
W: Yes.
Me: After the first court decision, you split your money.
W: Yeah, split, the real split must start from February…
M: May I say something?
Me: Let’s ask one by one, all right? Later, I’ll ask you, then you can answer, OK?
M: OK.
Me: Uh…and now, you live, all the time, by yourself, don’t you?You signed it, didn’t you?The, the child? About the child, now you want to get remarried, what do you think about the child?
W: For the child’s education, I think it should…well…I must,because…uh…on the other hand, because as for the child,that basically she is not…uh…the child basically never lives with him.She lives with her grandpa (on the father side).But her grandpa’s health is not good, he already has diabetes.
Me: Diabetes, and more than 50 years old, right?
W: His father worked on the railroad, has retired now.He was a switchman? –I am not sure about his job.His mother is a peasant.
Me: Ok, well, my purpose is to know the situation.
Me: Ding Jian, you left without taking anything else.I want to know the child’s situation.Now, with you two, uh…I just stop asking her here.Ding Jian, you tell me your situation.Because that…just now I asked you too.You were born in 1963, and work with the City Boiling Water Company? And,already become a regular worker.After the first court decision, no divorce, uh…the plaintiff’s story, if it doesn’t agree with the truth, you can give us your detailed story,OK? Because the practical life is about that… I also want to know your opinion, uh, know your opinion.let’s look at the real situation, see what it is like.OK? Let’s sit down and talk, OK.Many things need you to think them over and over all the time because it’s hard to get them clear.If two people have problems then you need an outsider to instruct you.So, today, I want to be the instructor.If I can make it clear, then let’s do it; if I can not, well, I can only let nature take its course, let things run their own course.Uh, so…you tell me your story.OK?
M: How do I start it?
Me: You tell me that…the divorce…after the first court decision of no divorce, your lately life situation, uh, and then before you got married…the financial situation…who ran the house.Uh…and then about the emerged problems,what the reasons were.All about those things, you can tell me.Because after I get the right evidences, then we are able to do something.If I cannot get the right evidences,uh…the key is hard for me to put in, right? After I get the right evidences, then I can put in the key and open the lock,that’s what I mean.Now according to your situation and the first-hand information, we can use the key to open it.That is of major importance, right? So, first, you tell me your situation.After the verification, we can sit down face to face, and discuss again.
M: You ask me.
Me: Uh?
M: You ask me.
Me: After you got married, if…a moment ago, I already asked you, your first date was…arranged by someone else, right?For how long had you known each other before you got married?
M: More than a year…
Me: More than a year…The plaintiff said that, you stopped dating for a while? What was the reason? …How did you break up? Or there were some reason?
M: Maybe no reason.
Me: Ah?
M: No reason.We lost in touch with each other, so just broke up.
Me: Oh, lost in touch, then you broke up.
M: Yeah.
Me: Afterwards you contacted her.
M: Yeah.
Me: Oh.No reason?
M: Ah?
Me: No reason for your lost in touch?
M: Yeah.
Me: Oh.No reason.
Me: Then after you got married, about your finance, how did you manage?
M: Her money she spent, I didn’t use hers.
Me: Oh.Never put your money together?
M: Uh?
Me: Never put your money together? After got married?
M: After got married…
Me: Uh…after you got married, about the family finance, how was it managed?
M: Uh…how was it managed, sometimes she spent the money sometime I spent it.
Me: Who was in charge…of the money?
M: Who was in charge…
Me: Yeah.
M: No one was in charge…of the money.Usually it was she…she spent the money she earned.
Me: Usually who earned it he spent.
M: Who earned it he spent.
Me: Oh…
M: Yeah.
Me: Usually who earned it he spent.Then what about unusual occasions? Aha ha…
M: Ah?
Me: What about unusual occasions?
M: No unusual occasions.
Me: Oh.For example that when the family came across some big events, uh…how did you spend the money? Usually who use whose money?
M: Some big events…
Me: Yeah…
M: That depended on what the situation was.If she gave me the money then I used it, if she didn’t give me I didn’t use it.
Me: You mean…
M: He who earned the money used it.
Me: Oh, the do you mean that it was the wife in charge of the money, right?
M: That’s not what I mean…
Me: Then…She gave you the money then you used it.If she didn’t, you didn’t use it, right?
M: Oh…
Me: Aha ha… You just… Let’s just talk about the facts.After you got married, who ran the house? Ok? I just…want to make this clear.
M: Uh…I…I feel that the question is inappropriate.
Me: Feel it is inappropriate? Because I, well, want to make it clear that before and after the wedding, what the situation of your family finance management was, then we…will see your marriage problems.And analyze them,you know? Through looking at your marriage…analyze your marriage backgrounds.
M: Again! If not that…how could I get married?
Me: Easy, easy…
M: If not that….How could we have a child…?
Me: Hey…how can you say that? First you had to talk, next you built the foundation, finally the child…there were people who rushed into marriage, you know? So we need to look at the foundation.
M: Rushed into marriage?
Me: Yeah.
M: Then…for a whole life, people can see it as a game?
Me: Not that, we cannot see it as a game.Just because we don’t want to treat it as a game, so I ask you in details.Understand? If we see it as a game we won’t...won’t ask you this, won’t verify these facts, and won’t do the mediation, follow me? After we make these basic factors clear, then we move forward to the next step, right?Maybe…our ways of communication are different,maybe…right? How about asking you about this first?Usually who was in charge? He who earned the money was in charge? After the first court decision of no divorce, how did you manage your lives? You lived together or one was looking after the other?
M: We lived separately.
Me: Separately.Oh.Uh, About this…you two gave the same answer.But about the money management there were differences.Almost for two years, one year and eleven months exactly, uh, you have lived separately.…Ok.Now you go to work, who is looking after your child?
M: Uh?
Me: The child…
M: She lives with my parents.
Me: Lives with your parents.
M: Yeah.
Me: Parents…and…they have retired, right?
M: Yeah.
Me: How about their health?
M: They are Ok.
Me: Oh, their health is Ok.Your parents, which unit did they retire from?
M: From Shijiazhuang Railway Station.
Me: Railway Station…
M: Yeah.They’ve been doing farming work till now.
Me: Ok, doing farming work.
M: Yeah…..and housework.
Me: Yeah, housework.Oh.Ok.Then…then…then I stop asking now.I…just now, asked you in a purpose that: after the first court decision which was…no divorce, you lived separately all the time.About that your answers were the same, both gave the same answer.But about the…uh…about the finance situation, your answers were not really the same, right? That is to say, she said it was you in charge, you said who earned it he used it.This…these two answers don’t really match.But it doesn’t matter, why it doesn’t matter, about this…I mainly, based on this, I want to look at the backgrounds.I…as to anything else, we don’t…don’t talk about it.So…according to…our Marriage law, or our conventions, marriage has freedom.Like you just said, if you didn’t have affections,there wouldn’t have been a child.Uh, so, according to Marriage Law, you two got married out of your free will.So, as long as you have become a family, speak of the divorce, we should restore it as long as we can.If we cannot fix it at all, we still have to make the decision according to the Marriage Law, right? Just let things run their own course.So, if there is someone who wants to block the way towards…uh…the way towards divorce, it needs both sides to work together, only one side will not succeed.And, just like that when the river bank has a hole,after it has a hole, you…many people join together then you can fix it.Everyone picks up a bag of sand, then, you can block the flood.If there…is a large hole and you fix it alone, then you can not succeed.What I mean is that since your marriage has come so far, you already have a child,that is to say, it has rooted, bloomed, and born fruits, you already have a child.So since it has come to this stage,the child doesn’t matter most, no, you both matter most,the child also matters most.Let’s think about which way is good for our child’s growth, life, good for the child’s physical and mental development, then we should adopt that way, right? I think this is the point.So…, I think, in marriage…, as for a man, to find a wife is not easy, right?**.As for a woman, since you have joined this family, if you want to step out of the family, it isn’t easy either.So about marriage, I think you two should calm down, calm down more.During the past half year, uh, you lived separately, there were nobody giving you any instructions.And, we, now since it has come to this day, we continue…again give you some instructions.By instruction,I mean…you, in this life environment, think more about the feelings of your parents, about the feelings of your child, Uh, and more about how you should get along with each other, right? Nobody is perfect, right? So, since you have become a family, you should be tolerant to…each other.Be tolerant of what? Not only be tolerant of his or her merits, but also his or her weakness.Uh, only in this way can you two get along.And, about being tolerant, it needs a certain degree of, of ability to control yourself—which is the key point, right? A certain degree of self-control is very important.So, when you can tolerate,control yourself, it is, for the child’s physical and mental development, very helpful.It is helpful for the child’s physical and mental development.Well, as a mother, or as a father, you should start from this point of view.I think you should start from this point of view to give it more consideration, right? Give it more consideration.In this way, you are of one mind.If a stranger, by the way, asks for your help, you will be ready to give a hand.Now it is your child in need of help from her parents, why can’t you help your child? Is that the point? So, speaks of getting married again, no one had forced you to get married, you got married out of your own free will, right? You have freedom.In the past, you understood each other not quite enough, uh, but by now you have lived together for many years.So, from a parent’s point of view, or from a child’s point of view, and from both of your point of view, I think you should be…uh very careful, uh, very careful.Uh…it is not like that, now it’s the second time that…that you came,the court has to grant your divorce? It cannot be like that.If you don’t agree to divorce, we still can go through mediation to fix it.Is that right? So, as to such a matter, it depends on what direction you are heading to, uh, on what direction you are heading to: you are considering more about the child, or more about each other, or more about your old parents, or more about yourself.I think you should think about this.And, it depends on where you stand.If your standpoint is…, uh, that I just think about myself, reflect that, in this family, I have suffered so much, then…As a husband, I just think about myself, she didn’t allow me to spend the money she earned.— I only think for myself, nobody think for the child, nobody think for the old parents, then the marriage is doomed to break,right, the marriage is doomed to break.Since that…our ancestors used to say that, I am not sure if it is suitable to mention it here, but I feel, if I mention it here, it doesn’t matter.The old saying goes as: “Marry a cockerel and follow a cockerel, marry a dog and follow a dog.”—It was not necessarily a weak point, right, not necessarily a weak point.And there is another old saying goes like: “Take a step back and a boundless world appears before you; take a step forward, bottomless pit.”Well, many issues, we should take one step back when it needs to.And, so, speak of marriage, just stay calm.But if you can’t save it at all,then it becomes another issue.Aha ha, right? If you can’t save it at all, it becomes another issue.I think as for wives,they care more about the family.Husbands go outside,uh…live in the world of wine and women, uh, after having drunk and eaten to satiety, they forget their wives.Wives think about the…more about the, especially more about the child.And now you have a daughter, later on, as still young, if you get divorced, there is no way you don’t move on, I am just telling the truth, you will by no means not move on.
W: You are right.
Me: Divorce will cause the child a lot of sufferings.I have given advice to many……
W: But, I don’t want to.......
Me: You wait a moment, listen, you listen to me.When I ask you to talk, then you talk, all right? I have given advice to many couples.In single parent families, including **, the children are never in a good situation.So, just like I said,it will cause the child great sufferings.Uh, and when I talk to her, you should listen to me too.So when, talking about such matters, when both sides hold the same opinions about the problems, you, as the husband, should consider…..must stand in a guiding position.Because,about many things, wife should be tolerant with the husband, the husband also should be tolerant with the wife.The wife tolerates the husband’s merits, and at the same time tolerates his defects.
M: Let me say something.
Me: Right? Listen to me.When I let you talk then you talk.The husband tolerates the wife’s merits, and also tolerates her defects, Right? So about this matter, you can’t only…only accept her merits.When she has some defects,if you refuse to accept any of them at all, that will not work.When I do my meditation job, I feel that way is unacceptable, I think it is unacceptable.About this matter…this matter, we hold different opinions.You think it is this kind of problem, Ok, but I don’t think it is.That’s why I believe people have different explanations.The reason why I asked you first about the affection backgrounds between you two, is to get to know what explanations you have about this.And see if we can reach a common understanding.My purpose of the verification lies in here.Aha ha, all right? And well, the plaintiff, you are a civilization envoy, a teacher, live in the school environment, right? So, the child’s physical and mental health is your major concern, right? Think about this, you should.As for you, the defendant, as long as you don’t want to divorce, then why, the court decided that…single parent family, but you disagree, then why don’t you take the initiative? Am I right? Take the initiative and go to her first.You…since you don’t agree to divorce, you should…take the initiative to go for her.Any problems, you can communicate, discuss.Discuss but fail, that’s one thing.Discuss and reach common understanding, that’s another,right? See who is looking after the other, no…have no intention to… it means you don’t want to divorce at all,right? That is I am talking about you, Ok?
As for you, you just said, that you won’t divorce, right? So,since you, the first time, refused to divorce, when it comes to the second time, you should figure out where the defects were,what…you two communicate again.If you fail in communicating,then look for an outsider, let another one help you, aha ha, help you communicate.When you two are angry at each other, you can’t communicate.When we can’t communicate we ask for help; when we can’t communicate we calm down; when we can’t calm down we ask someone else to help us.It should be like this.When it is no way for you to reach a common understanding, then consider divorce.That is to say, marriage is about two sides, not one.You,only on behalf of yourself, when the other one thinks differently from you, you have to wait, right? So, about this, uh, well, after I talk with you and verify the facts, I say something to the plaintiff.You should consider the child’s physical and mental health, you are so young, it’s impossible for you not to move on.The child is flesh and blood of the mother, aha ha, so that it’s impossible for you not to worry about the child.To put it in other words, when you choose to move on, it’s not of certain that you will win.Isn’t that the point? You move on, but it’s an uncertain future.I am…I mean that, when you are still young, you should think more about the child, that’s what I mean.And…
W: Can you let me finish what I wanted to say?
Me: That, I…I…let me go back to what I was saying.Then you…also think it over.Think it over.You can tell me what you are thinking about, Ok? The plaintiff, you first, then the defendant, you are next.And…
W: In a straight way, of course it is when the parents get along well, the child will be in the best situation.But if…, the child lives a kind of life that lacks sense of safety…, that is to say it’s full of fights, and quarrels, or frequently in a cold war environment, I believe that is worse than living in a single parent family that…that…has a peaceful and…warm environment.
W: Speaking of this, you said that, we are all talking about providing the child with a best education, best what, it relates to the family, right? About this, I have thought about it.Why? The parents are in a good relationship, the child in home and adapts to that, will feel at ease.Family with freedom makes people feel at ease, right? But when I went back home…, even I myself couldn’t feel safe, I feel a kind of agony instead.I am not sure how the child would feel.Our child is unique, that’s why I always want the child to live with me.When she was one year and eight months old, she left me, because I had to go to work, the child was growing up.After she left me, in order to wean my child, she, for one month, never saw me once.When I went home, the child accepted me at once when I touched her.Since then, whatever I was doing, she would let me hold her in arms.If anyone else teased her at that time,she didn’t reject…and she wouldn’t go away from me.Her grandpa (her father’s father) always…she always followed her grandpa.Day or night, even slept on the same bed with her grandpa.But as long as I went home, she would not follow anyone else but me.
At the age of three and a half, that was, in 2004, she started to, gradually…uh, when I went home, she started to stay away from me.Well, I went home, when I stayed at home long enough,then she became, little by little…that was when I was at home…
Me: Birth…, the point is proved, birth mother sometimes is less close to the child than foster mother.The child feels more close to the one who looks after him or her.All children are like this.
W: But, yeah, she feels more close to the one who looks after her.That’s because her grandpa has much more time to stay with her.But I lived in another place and it’s not convenient to come home.But when she asked me to come home, then I did.Then she followed her grandpa? —No, not anybody else, just me, even when I went to the bathroom,she...In our family, when we have dinner, at this side there is a…table, even when I just turned around to go to the bathroom, I had to hold her in arms.
Me: Her character.
W: So, speak of this, about our child, she is very thoughtful.Even when she was very young, two years old, I often said to her, “Slow down, don’t trip.”She would say that to others too.Sometimes her grandpa went out with her,then he came back and told me: “Ah, your baby is so sweet,uh, she is so thoughtful.If I go outside, with her, and when I tell her, ‘you stay here inside for a moment, I’m going downstairs to the basement.’”—I live on the first floor,her grandpa lives on the third floor, he said, “I’m going downstairs to the basement to fetch some stuff, you just stay at home and wait for me.”Then just when her grandpa stepped out of the door, she would say, say: “Slow down, don’t trip.”So, our child is very sweet, last…on June 5th, 2004, I took her to the kindergarten which is near where I live.Because I lived in the dormitory, she lived with me.It was in summer, when we washed our feet,I would rub her feet, then she would ask to rub for me.So,after the child was three and a half, slowly, that…not at my side, but as long as I showed up, she would only follow me everywhere, no one else, whoever he was.When we two went out with our daughter, he could never hold her in arms.She just allowed me to hold her.She just didn’t allow him to hold her.I don’t know why.He had more opportunities to be with her, because, he lived here in the same city, but I lived in Zhengding.I don’t know, love and care, whether he gives her or not.The child can feel that,children will never lie about that.
Me: As little child, of course she is more close to the mother.After she reaches 10…
W: It’s not about that…
Me: When she grows up, the situation will become different.
W: It’s not about that.When we were going out for a stroll with her, or doing something else, I was holding her all the time, but couldn’t you give me a change? You, as a father,hold her for a while? Children should have accepted that.But our daughter never let her father hold her.
Me: Never let her father hold her.
W: Got that? That was a very…I have learned psychology,about…about…about psychologically care about somebody.I just want to say, I just think, that after I analyzed this,why? Why she doesn’t like to be at his side? Maybe because she, at home, has a habit, that is…, she, she, during the day, gets used to being with her grandpa…
Me: Sorry for interrupting, but I want to know, at school,what do you teach?
W: I used to teach art, now I am teaching computer.
Me: Ok.Go ahead.
W: So, about this, I just feel…if I… Our daughter…, she is at his house, because his parents are getting old, and like I said, his father has diabetes, and already with dependence,for more than ten years.In fact, there are some complications.To put it straight, his father has some complications.When we were at war, in 2004, oh, in 2005…2005, at war, his father has already showed complications.When I thought about this, if, that she lived with her grandpa, I actually feel more rest assured.But two years later when I thought further, he would not have the ability, he would have no ability to educate her.So, if leave her to live with him, I worry about that.On the other hand, for the school environment, you know, I lives in the county town, although that the county town is less better than the city, but, if, if we compare it with the city, Ok? Compare it with the city, to…to compare, the primary school attached to the Normal College, we can’t compare with such school, but in Zhengding, there is a Liberation Army Primary School, which is a designated primary school, it is our provincial key primary school.The kindergarten she went was also one in the county town,which was not our decision.When it is time for her to go to high school, junior high school, there is County Town High School, and County No.8 High School, both are in the county town.I think that will be good for her.Now about senior high school, we all know about the high schools in Zhengding.Zhengding No.1 High School will accept the ***.So, from her babyhood, from kindergarten to high school,to college…she will, if she can pass the exams, have the education, that’s what I have thought about.Most people say, we are here…live here, everywhere has a primary school, but that place, right? It is far from here, it’s not convenient.What’s more, today, the policy is like what?You go to the local schools, in our city, we all go to local schools, right? In Zhengding, it’s the same.But we live in the county town, we all go to schools there.When the school is…is during its vacations, we have to arrange this.
Me: Now you work at a vocational high school, don’t you?
W: Yeah.
Me: Ok.
W: Because, first, I think about the child, second, I think about myself, finally I think about my family.On September 24th, 2004, it was my father, my father died,accidentally.He got the message, he had the cell phone, I didn’t.After he got the massage, he was told that, after he was told that, he…three days after my father passed away, on that evening, three days after, I got the message.After that I **my father.But he never asked anything about my, my feelings, never asked about my…asked about my mother, because my mother was not in good health.And he told me during that time, he lost the money just because the event happened in my family.When I asked him to get some money, he said it was too much.He said he went to my mother’s house with 200 RMB, and I gave 50 RMB back to him.These money, I…that was when I on the way back home, and I left in a hurry, and the bank books were all at his place, so I had to borrowed…borrowed about 700 RMB, and gave the money back to him.So if it was*****, as children if they*****, who should pay the money? I paid it myself.
Me: It’s mainly why…, I feel that it’s mainly why you insisted on divorce?
W: Not that reason.
Me: Ok.
W: Just because I don’t want, when I lose my mother, to see this happen again.For my whole life, I will never forget that.
Me: Oh.Ok, I have known this matter.Now you go outside for a moment, let me talk with him for a while.You stay outside for a moment, sit down and wait there, Ok? Just stay outside for a while.Don’t worry.Calm down.Ding Jian, now you, about…about your marriage, you want it to continue.What way are you planning to, what way can you make her stay? I want to know your idea.
M: There isn’t any other way.
Me: Ok.
M: I mean…, I mean, I want to tell you, I want to make it clear to you that, I don’t have talent for speaking.
Me: We are not talking about talent for speaking, just about the facts.
M: The facts.I am getting old, becoming slow, for this matter,it was such a traumatic experience for me, sometimes when I talk, I feel…maybe you have felt that.I have suffered too much, uh…just now, how come? All this,wasn’t that caused by her?
Me: Why was it caused by her?
M: You just look at this, don’t let me talk any more.I am not eloquent.She…she…
Me: Come, come here, let me have a look.The sound button is here.
M: She was with someone else in the room…the picture is not clear.You tell me how should I feel about that?
Me: Um.
M: Not anywhere else in the school, she did the make-ups, she went to the School Master’s office to do it.
Me: At the School Master’s office?
M: It was on January 10th (It was Lunar calendar, which is the ten day after the Chinese New Year, noted by the translator.), here at the bottom, it was the date.
Me: It was marked by you?
M: Yeah.
Me: Your handwriting is quite good.
M: No…
Me: Ah? Quite good, I think.
M: Uh… what can I say? Sometimes I, I just, get too angry to say anything.
Me: We are talking about the facts, take it easy.About this,we are not testing your eloquence.This, uh… that uh?
M: Look at these dating stuff, they…what were they doing?
Me: This…what can this ticket prove?
M: It proves that they were at a supermarket, together they were shopping.When getting back, I… I headed against the wind, listen to me, I… On January 10th (It was Lunar calendar, which is ten days after the Chinese New Year,noted by the translator.), the school was on vacation, she didn’t come home.Did she really think about the child,the family? Wasn’t she playing a double game? The school was on vacation, was there anybody working there?
Me: Wasn’t that possible that she was on duty?
M: On what duty?
Me: Doesn’t the school need someone to watch?
M: It was vacation!
Me: During vacations, school usually asks someone to be on duty by turns.
M: Don’t tell me that, if you don’t believe me, just go to the school to investigate.About some matters, I am not, I… I am not making it up.
Me: Ok, if they are facts.
Me: Yeah? The net…the parcel she mailed to her… net pal.
Me: Net pal? Returned to the mailer? It was returned, right?
M: No.
Me: Right here, it says: return to the mailer, see?
M: It was not return.If it was, how could it happen that it was returned to the mailer?
Me: Because the receiver didn’t get it, then the post office returned it back.
M: Uh…
Me: Have you proved that he was her net pal?
M: What?
Me: Are you sure? Wasn’t this just your imagination?
M: What? I imagined that? She has admitted it before.
C:
M: I want to take the initiative, but I can’t.
Me: Just now didn’t she… the plaintiff said that, she,especially she suddenly lost one of her parents, uh?Sudden lost.You got the message but you didn’t……
M: I got the message…
Me: You didn’t show up at once.
M: Not at once? Who told me what’s going on? On the phone no one told me the truth.No one told me what really happened.Just told me to come over, how could I know what really happened? Uh? The truth…what really happened? Shouldn’t you tell me? “My father passed away.”Shouldn’t she tell me directly? But she didn’t.She…
M: Her sister-in-law only called me and asked me to come over at once.I asked: “What’s the matter?”“Just come.”
Me: She didn’t tell you…
M: And, I was…my house was being decorated.And I didn’t know what happened…what’s going on.And I couldn’t go.
Me: Then you could have called her and ask: “What’s going on?I am busy decorating the house.”
M: She didn’t tell me.When I called her, she, she said, “Come over.”And…if she was really thinking that we were a family, she should have told me the truth.Was there really anything she needed to avoid saying it directly?Right?
Me: Ok, you mean that she didn’t tell you the truth?
M: Yeah.
Me: It’s very common that she lost her father, and afraid that you would feel worried, so she didn’t tell you the truth,and only asked you go over in a hurry, only said something happened.
M: Not like that…
Me: Once someone got that kind of message, he’s supposed to show up immediately.
M: But sometimes it’s not like that.
Me: Uh? The…the normal families are all like this.Especially when someone dies, they will not tell you directly.They are afraid that it may be too much for you to hear it suddenly…
M: No, not like you said, they should just tell the truth.It was already the fact.When he…
Me: Worrying about you.Mainly because she was worrying about you.You would not only feel anxious.Usually people would think in this way…
M: Was there really anything she couldn’t tell me directly?
Me: She’s afraid that you would feel too anxious, so she didn’t dare to tell you… “Something happened at home, come over at once.”Uh, just like that.
M: I know what you mean.But many things… I, I, I don’t know how to express…how to put it into words.But, about her,she did some things she shouldn’t have done.
Me: Listen to me, your father-in-law passed away, and you should go at once.
M: Oh…I knew that.Didn’t I put my work down, and I, I, go there?
Me: Didn’t you go there a few days after?
M: A few days? I went there the next day.
Me: Oh.Yeah, you didn’t go at once.
M: She didn’t tell me.She didn’t tell what’s really going on.
Me: Ok.
M: “You come over immediately.”How could I?
Me: Wasn’t she asking you to?
M: Yeah, she asked… I, How could I know the reason? She didn’t tell me.
Me: It was her sister-in-law who called you, right?
M: Yeah? Only one or two days later.
Me: Was it her sister-in-law who called you?
M: Yeah… Her sister-in-law called me.
Me: Not herself?
M: No.She never called me.
Me: Ok.
M: Till I finally called her, she…she told me the truth.
Me: Uh.Ok, her sister-in-law called you, Ok, well, since you two are like this, you don’t agree to divorce.What’s your plan? You don’t want to divorce, but you don’t take the initiative.
M: I want to, but I can’t.
Me: You take the first step, go and see her.
M: I go to see her, you think she will talk to me?
Me: She doesn’t talk to you, you talk to her.
M: Oh…, I talk to her…
Me: She is asking for divorce.She doesn’t talk to you, you should talk to her.
M: She only told me to go to hell.
Me: Why go to hell?
M: Ah? Why go to hell…
Me: Our marriage has not been broken yet,
M: Ah?
Me: I don’t go to hell.If our marriage has broken, even you ask, I will not stay.Why don’t you say that?
M: Ah? I dare not say that.
Me: Ah?
M: I don’t say words like that.
Me: Oh.
M: Let me tell you.I am an introvert man.Some things for me,I can figure them out in my mind, I cry, you know? But I’m not able to speak up.
Me: Ok.
M: I can not speak up.
Me: No, you know…
M: When I tell you this, if you don’t believe, you can go to my company…ask my colleagues.Ask them what kind of a man I am, OK?
Me: Ding Jian, what I am saying is, you don’t want to divorce.So, since you don’t want to divorce you should have reasons in your mind, right? The only way to solve this problem is that you, deep from your heart, you take the initiative to warm…to warm her heart.
M: Warm? Warm her heart?
Me: Yeah?
M: *****
Me: You can’t warm her heart, then you still don’t want to divorce, then…then what can you do? Uh? So, since you don’t want to divorce you have to do something.See, there are a lot of ways that can help you, right?
M: A lot of…but what I have told you are the facts, aren’t they?
Me: More communication.
M: More communication…
Me: Yeah.
M: Say…
Me: Yeah.Then, she doesn’t come to me, I go to her.
M: Say what? Our house, our house, all the time, we leave the door open for her, she doesn’t come in, ok? That school master, Zhao Wenping, he once said himself, “******.”You go to her school, if you don’t believe, you go and check it out yourself.It’s not that… I’m making it up.
Me: Ok.
M: Everybody knows this.
Me: Then, then…
M: You have hurt me.You, as…as…as, if we speak of a family,she, if your wife, goes out and leans on another man, and doesn’t give you the money she earned, doesn’t allow you to hold the baby, what will you think about that?
Me: Yeah.Then why you don’t just, once and for all, divorce her.You just divorce her…
M: Uh…, why should I divorce her?
Me: You didn’t say you won’t divorce her?
M: That depends on how we divorce?
Me: Uh.In fact, that you decided not to divorce is right, I think.You decides not to divorce…
M: I am always bearing with her, bearing.She is a capricious person.
Me: Ok.She is capricious? Then you…let’s talk about this.How do you feel about your behaviors?
M: You… My behaviors…
Me: Uh.Let’s suppose we are discussing and exchanging ideas here.It’s like an exchange of hearts, sort of.Yeah.An exchange of hearts, let’s see, now you, what you are going to say, whether your remarks can touch my heart or not.You…
M: I think, let me tell you, I don’t have that good eloquence.
Me: It’s not…
M: I just mean, I’m not able to convince you.
Me: No, not that.Just an exchange of heart, it doesn’t matter whether you are eloquent or not.It’s about your heart,your words, just see whether you are sincere.If you want the marriage sound, you should be sincere.You see,you…who doesn’t want a sound family? That’s what you want.But look at you, you just keep saying no divorce, no divorce.But what you have really done is not consistent.It appears different.
M: It appears different…
Me: Yeah.
M: You, you, you, take this matter for example…
Me: Ok.
M: I, what can I do?
Me: It needs you to catch her in the room.
M: Ah?
Me: You catch her in the house yourself.
M: I did catch her in the house.
Me: Ok.Caught her in their house.
M: Caught her in their house.I did, she….not their house, at their school.
Me: Ah?
M: Single room dormitory.I was about to tell you this.
Me: Ok.Single room dormitory.
Man: When that happened, it was windy.My mother said, you see, my parents, she knows how well my parents treat her.This depends on one’s conscience.She can say anything she likes, that’s her business, right? It was blowing south, I was, it was in 2003, I was wounded, my bone was broken,yeah…I was in a plaster cast for one month.Then I was at home to take rest to heal the wound, had nothing to do.My mother said to me, “Go to see her.”—My mother thought she was working overtime.My mother said, “Take some food for her.”From my house, I carried a bag, and took a quilt for her, then I rode a bike, with the quilt under the arm, cycled against the wind, I went to her place.On that afternoon, around 16, no, 18 o’clock,around 6 pm, I arrived at the school.I knocked on the door,after a long time, the door was opened.She was with a stranger, a man, wearing a sweater and long woolens, and slippers.He was there drinking and…you tell me how did I feel about that?
Me: What did you say to them?
M: Ah?
Me: What did you say?
M: What did I say…the man just put on his clothes, and left.
Me: Does the man work in her school?
M: No, he was from Tang Shan.
Me: Ah! Her net pal?
M: Yeah.
Me: The parcel she mailed, was it to that man?
M: No, it’s for someone else.
Me: You mean this man wasn’t the same one?
M: No.Many guys.
Me: Ok.
M: This woman, she once even thought about sending money to him.I don’t know her friends.Sometimes this man, called Zhang Youyu, then another called Zhang You…di.I am not sure about their exact names.One summer, in 2004, maybe in 2004, a guy called her, saying he lost the parcel.Hearing that she, she decided to send him money.I stopped her.
Me: But, you didn’t stop her at last.About you family finance,who was in charge? Was the money in your hands or in her hands?
M: You’ve heard my story.What do you think?
Me: Uh?
M: You’ve heard my story.What do you think?
Me: I can’t tell.I’m waiting for you to tell me.I want to hear your answer.
M: She is so intimidating.Those matters, how could I be in control of? If I could control her, she wouldn’t have done…have, have, have done so many evil things.Just like that, she fears of nothing, fooling around.Let me tell you in this way, if, in a family, if, that, the husband is very strong in power…She is like a cat, and I am like a mouse,she is cat.You can take my word for it.
Me: Aha ha, you are admitting you are the mouse, right? Aha ha?
M: I, I admit I am the mouse.When I see her, I feel scared.You know?
Me: Really? Don’t be afraid.We are just talking.Aha ha.
M: She is just that kind of person.A couple…
Me: Let’s say, let’s say that if you don’t divorce, can you tolerate her defects?
M: Let me read this to you.Don’t keep…keep asking about the…
Me: I keep asking.Look at you, no divorce, no divorce, we are talking about the no divorce thing.Ok? Didn’t you say no divorce? If you don’t accept divorce, aren’t you…(https://www.daowen.com)
M: Just for those affairs she got involved, I have already,been tolerant of her for a long time.
Me: I am only asking you, if the court decides no divorce again,can you tolerate her defects?
M: I can.
Me: You can?
M: Yes.
Me: Ok.
M: Oh…
Me: You can tolerate.I’ll let you try.But, on the one hand,you tolerate her defects.And there are still many other things, when it needs you to show her, you have to show her.For example, you care about her.You said…you don’t like going to court and getting divorced.Since you don’t like going to court and getting divorced, you should …
M: Uh, let me tell you…
Me: You show her.
M: She doesn’t need my care.Is there anything I can do for her?
Me: Just because you don’t care her enough, other’s care for her becomes more precious.
Another Me: They took the advantage.You let others exploit the loophole.
Me: You let others exploit the loophole.Do you get it?
M: What is called the eggs laid by pheasant? The eggs are laid for others.**
Me: How can you say such words…
M: What’s wrong with my words?
Me: Not appropriate…not appropriate.
M: I am telling the truth, the truth.
Me: Not appropriate, you know? Not appropriate.So, just because there was this loophole, others could break through, break through at this weak point.
M: That’s not…not a weak point.
Me: So if you were, if you, when some others were around,had shown more care about her, she***
M: Let me read to you this**, “Sometimes, I give you, then you are my….”You just don’t know the details.
Me: You don’t…you don’t want, you don’t want to divorce.I just focus on this point.That is to say, I am helping you,right?
M: I, If I wanted to divorce, I would have sued.
Me: Yeah.
M: Am I right? Isn’t this obvious? What was she trying to say?
Me: Yeah.Right, so, about this matter, now you showed this to me, and you, uh.So, look at this*****the facts are in control.That is, hold this****.About what I have asked you…you said you are out of ways, you don’t have good ways, now I am helping you.Uh, now I am helping you.See if you can tolerate her?
M: I can.
Me: You can.Ok.
M: I have already swallowed so much dirt.
Me: Yeah.
M: Let me tell you this, I am more than 40 now.
Me: Yeah.
M: Uh… many things were like this.Even divorce, she first asked for it.
Me: Yeah.
M: Ok? As for me, when I thought about the child…at the beginning, this year, when the court was open, the child grabbed me in the court.Just because of thinking for the child, I don’t want the child to suffer…just like you said before, the single parent family? Yeah, it is true.
Me: Yeah.
M: Because many problems, they were not caused by me.She’s always keeping a cold-war face, always keeping a cold-war face at home.When she came back, here.I, my parents,take very good care of her.But why did she do that all the time? She didn’t allow me to look after the child, saying the child was such and such.Even she had time, she went out to meet her net pals.She went out, to hang around, to have fun.Other people, on January 10th (Lunar calendar,the tenth day after Chinese New Year — noted by the translator.), all were on vacation, nobody was in the school.As a mother, she should have wanted to speed back home with the swiftness of an arrow.As long as I had time……anyway I don’t…I don’t know about her, as long as I,I, got off work, I would run back home.
Me: Yeah.
M: That is a kind of feeling towards home.She, what was she doing? The child was still young.She, She didn’t, on vacations, why didn’t you come back in a hurry to see your child?
Me: On January 10th, you did check that it was not the time for her to return to school, she was not on duty, or other reasons related to her job?
M: It was on vacation.In the school, nobody was there.If you don’t believe, go to the school……
Me; I don’t mean that.During vacations, these days, some teachers return to school, or are on duties.You, don’t,don’t keep saying that nobody was, nobody was in the school.
M: On the fifth, she went to the school.
Me: Yeah.
M: On the fifth, she went to the school to teach near-graduation class.That class might be, for a few days around the fifth, were taking extra classes in the school.
Me: OK.
M: But on the tenth, nobody was in the school.Such a large school, couldn’t I see them if there was anybody?
Me: Just because the school was on vocation, all the teachers and students were on vacation, some teacher needed to return to school and be on duty.Wasn’t that the reason?
M: Ah?
Me: Wasn’t that the reason?
M: No, it wasn’t.
Me: No?
M: I’ve told you, no.
Me: You have checked, haven’t you?
M: It doesn’t need to.That’s the fact.The fact was just like that.
Me: Ok, Ok.
M: If……if you don’t believe it, just go to the school to check.
Me: What do you want to read? Read it.
M: Let me read this to you.Sometimes, I, Let me....
Me: Is this written by you?
M: I wrote it myself.
Me: Ok.
M: All the stuff.Just now…just now where did I stop? I read this to you.
Me: Ding Jian, what do you want to express? I can’t get your meaning.
M: Can’t get my meaning?
Me: Yeah.You want to read a paragraph to me, I don’t know you want to read a paragraph to me.
M: You were asking me……?
Me: I was asking you, on January 10th, were those teachers and students on vacation? Were some teachers on duty in the school?
M: The one before that, before that question.
Me: … Before that I was asking you, ‘Can you tolerate her defects?’
M: Before that.
Me: Aha ha.
M: Ok, ok.So many things, you have asked, so many questions,my brain, I, I, my memory…is…
Me: Short memory, right?
Another woman: He is always like this.
Me: Aha ha.
M: Yeah, yeah, it’s, it’s true.During the time around January 10th…
Me: Ok.Whatever defects she has, but you can tolerate,right?
M: Then you…I…
Me: Then why have you come to***?
M: You are doing the meditation, anyway I should let you know,my basic situation.
Me: Yeah.
M: Is that so?
Me: Yeah.
M: Let me just read this.Read all these, three parts in total,first draft.On May 1st, 1998, we got married officially out of our free will.Before and after the wedding, we love each other.If we don’t, how could we get married and have a child? Since then, on every holidays or vacations,summer vacations or winter vacations, she would come back to live in Shijiazhuang.On February 11th, 2001, our daughter was born.After checking out of the hospital, we picked her and our daughter up and came back to Shijiazhuang to take good care of them.My parents looked after her till her maternity leave came to an end.In 2001,after the National Day, for the sake of her and our daughter’s safety, and for her job, we, all our families,moved from Shijiazhuang to Zhengding.In the school, near the school, we rented an old house with two rooms.She went to work every day, my parents took turns looking after the child.And they cooked the three meals.At that time, the life was very hard.In winter, it was very cold in the house.By February, in 2001, after the May Day holiday in 2002, on her demand, when the child was less than one year and three month, we took the child back to…to Shijiazhuang, and looked after by my parents.From then on, the child’s everything, making clothes, buying clothes,washing clothes and so on, until now, everything was taken care of by my parents.On June 11th…17th, 2005, it’s Tuesday, it was supposed to come back home.On June 20th,at 6:30 pm, I got back.On the morning of 21st 7 o’clock,she took the child away, saying she wanted to stay with her for a few days.When I got off work…back home from the night shift, by then I found out the child was gone.My parents said she took the child away.Out of expectation,on 23rd, when I visited them, to see the child, she didn’t allow me to get in, and said, asked me to take away the marriage certificate and the child’s birth certificate with me.She said that was her private place and didn’t allow me to get in her room alone.I wanted to get in her room,I had to bring a company.At lunch time, she just left me watching her eating.After the lunch she said she wanted to take a nap without my interrupting.She drove me away,standing in the corridor, shouted to me, “Get lost, get lost,get lost.”On the afternoon the next day, at the gate of the school, I stopped her, and took the child back.Only after two days, she told the child not to see her grandpa,not to see her grandma, not to see her father, not to go back to our new house, saying… On that night, 23:00, she brought some people to Shijiazhuang from Zhengding by car.She made a big scene with my parents.From less than one year and three months to 5 years old, the child was taken care of by my parents.Everybody can imagine that how much effort they have put on her.Especially after stop feeding her with breast milk, how many sleepless nights they have had? She just turned a deaf ear to these,no asking, no caring.That’s what she called breaking of our affection.Look at her indictment.
Me: Ok.
M: She always says one thing and means another.When she’s talking, I don’t know what she is talking about.And…about living separately, it was because she didn’t come home.Since the second half of the year in 2003, the school got the internet, she was often surfing on the internet, went back to dormitory at 2 or 3 o’clock at night.Because of using the computer, she engaged in bickering with her colleagues.I once asked the head teacher of her department, the head teacher told me that many colleagues dislike her.The head teacher ever criticized her in the corridor, “Do you know that wherever you go,the people there don’t like you?”On January 2nd, 2005, on that evening, I went to the school to look for her, she was not there.I waited till midnight, she didn’t come back.I was very worried.Then I gave her a call, to see whether she was at her parents’ house.I called her parents’ home,which she hated that, and she fight with me about the call later after.The next morning, until 8 o’clock, she came back.She said she was in an internet bar in downtown.What did she do, don’t I know? Another time, in late March,2005, I waited at her school till it was late at night.A man drove her back to school.The car came to the school…uh….outside the gate, the school…I…you…I tell you this, the gate was locked, locked.There’s, there’s, there’s,a guard, when he saw her, her, the driver…the man who drove the car, was pressing the horn, without stopping,and…and was doing that.Later, someone said, let her open the gate herself, let her open it herself.She got off the car and opened the gate.The car then drove on, into the school.When the car stopped, just at that time, I came downstairs, to the corridor.The man was walking in the front, she was following behind.I went up to the man.And right at the gate of the corridor, I ran into her.Later, I called the man stop.But the man, in a hurry, got in the car and drove away.Things like this, many times…I ran into such things many times.Was that normal? If you were only socializing with normal friends, you came over, if you had anything to do, or some matter, right? Many of them, ran away as soon as they saw me, as soon as they saw me.Was that normal? Another time, one night, it was Jing Wei,Jing Wei told me, he said, she asked for the key to the school gate.Jing Wei said he didn’t give her.That night I slept at Jing Wei’s room.Jing Wei kept advising me not to do anything stupid.Do you know what did I feel at that time? If your wife cuckolded you, what would you feel? If she was socializing with normal friends, generally, or she was routinely hanging around with people or colleagues,at the dormitory, you could talk about business if you had,right? The man was in the front, she followed behind.The man was…it was obvious that when I wasn’t around, the man had got familiar with the surrounding of her dormitory.He had already been familiar with it, whoever couldn’t see that.The car was even driven into, into the school.And she asked for the key to the gate.What did she intend to do?
Me: What does that man do, did you check that out?
M: I don’t know.
Me: You didn’t check.
M: Too many guys.This is because, many of them I went there and found out.If I didn’t go……
Me: Ok.Have you finished that paper?
M: Forget it.I haven’t….mainly it is….
Me: Ok.Like you said just now, about the, in the corridor she shouted at you to let you go away, did anyone else hear that? Only you two were there?
M: As to whether there were anyone else and overhearing it or not…….
Me: Were there? Were there anyone else in the corridor?
M: In the corridor, there were people in the dormitory.
Me: In the dormitory?
M: Yeah.
Me: In the dormitory, in the corridor, that man was there.
M: Ok.
Me: Then let me ask you this, like you said, she often surfed the internet till late than 2 o’clock?
M: Yeah.
Me: Even till midnight, she didn’t come back?
M: Yeah.
Me: Besides the man you have run into, about other guys, did you hear it from others? Or you just guess it out?
M: I saw myself.
Me: You saw them all?
M: I saw them with my own eyes.
Me: Oh.You saw all of them.Besides this time you saw it with your own eyes, about the others, did you saw with your own eyes? She went to the internet bar and didn’t come back until late night?
M: That was commonplace.She told me about that.
Me: Oh, that was commonplace.
M: Later after, the school lost some computers, and the school sealed the computer room.Since then she went to the city, as she said, to the downtown to play.
Me: Oh…after the school sealed up the computers, she went out?
M: She went out…
Me: Zheng, see, you are very open minded.So, if she is…
M: Open…I, I am so helplessly vexed.
Me: Don’t say that to yourself.You are a great man.
M: Me, great man? And she just did this to me?
Me: No, look, because you don’t want to divorce, and her defects, you can tolerate.You said you care about the family and care about the child, right? Then let’s try and give her some advice.If we cannot convince her then we…ok?
M: She already hurt me.
Me: Ah?
M: That is to say, I mean, things has become like this, she already hurt me.And she sued again.Even when talking about divorce, she claimed that, claimed, that, that, that such and such.**the house was bought… we borrowed,borrowed money and paid with.The child belongs to her.Then I just…I just live alone? I have sacrificed so much, can I survive this?
Me: Aha ha.
M: Ah?
Me: Aha ha, so I was asking you, if you insist on no divorce,then we try to do some job, see whether we can convince her.If you insist……
M: You know last time, she…
Me: Uh.
M: Just like what I wrote on that paper, she is double-faced,and capricious.Whatever she is saying, she is only mumbling.Anyway…
Me: Oh.Zheng, Zheng, you can tolerate her defects.It shows your manly courage.On the other hand, it’s that, when you want to tolerate her, you should also use good methods, you should have methods in you mind.
M: I am a man of telling nothing but the truth.One is one, and two is two.I just, I am just in my soul of souls, if you tell me to be tolerant.
Me: Ok.
M: Then how can I express it? I cannot express it.If, if I say something else, maybe you don’t believe me.Anyway I am always like this.
Me: So, about this, you didn’t do it well enough.That let her feel unfair, after marrying you.Then she would leave the family.You know?
M: Uh, uh…
Me: If you still don’t want to care about her because of her former behavior, then others will take advantage and exploit the loophole.And she…she will feel that she get the attention she needs.That’s how others take your advantage.
M: Oh.
Me: One of our old saying goes, “Let others take advantage of loopholes.”This *** kind of things, others will take advantage when you are off guard, right? If you keep showing your cold shoulder to her, then it only leads to divorce, you know? What I am telling you is a fact, all what I have said.If you don’t show this cold shoulder, she might change her mind.Because she has done wrong, and you forgive her, she may feel everlastingly grateful.
M: Feel grateful? You are saying…
Me: Oh, so I think you should…
M: Grateful? She…if…if she feels grateful, she won’t…
Me: So, I think you should, use the right methods.You methods didn’t work, failed, right? Your methods didn’t work, not succeeded.Understand? You should actively show your concerns, show your concerns, right? And you…
M: She doesn’t need my concerns.
Me: If you keep thinking this way, how can it work? With this thinking, you cannot reach your purpose, see, you know? In this way of thinking, you can’t achieve the anticipated purpose.Listen to others, you should let the advice getting into your ears, Uh.I tell you this method, uh,because I hope that you can achieve your anticipated purpose.Uh.I show you the way.Everything has a way to do it, like, like in your situation, you need to actively show your concerns towards her.Then think of a method to pull her back.
M: Even you can keep her body, you can’t keep her heart.The,the, the, there are some things not so easy.
Me: You tell me this, I am actually, I actually agree.
M: If she really want to**, ok.
Me: Ok.Well, that you, you don’t want to divorce, right? Then we try to help the one who want to keep the marriage.Try to save the marriage.By saving, I mean we notify you.The way we notify you is that, firstly, you should take the initiative.You care more about her.Let her feel the warmness of home.Let her feel the warmness of family.Thus, she will change.She will gradually come to your way,right? That, for example, about one night stand, or other things, she might not do that again.This one is best for her, then she come to this side, right? That one is best for her, then she will go to that side.
M: Aha ha.That is her innate nature.After we started fight,some of her affairs, somebody told me.Before we fight,nobody told me about that.Then I got to know, even before our wedding, she had been indiscreet in her behavior.
Me: That because now you are at odds, people start to talk,bad things come out.You only listen to the gossips.That’s why you messed it up, you know?
M: There are no waves without wind.
Me: There are no waves without wind.But sometimes it’s not true.Sometimes, your awareness, your intuition, your conclusion, they have limitations, right? You know they have limitations.You’re leaving yourself controlled by others.You’re leaving yourself being led by others.Won’t you keep the family?
M: I didn’t let others control me.
Me: Oh.Why did you listening to others’ gossips, you know?Especially the **, even at work, if you are better than others, then they feel jealous.If you are worse than them,they ** you.Family life is also like this.If your family is a happy one, theirs are not, they start to feel jealous.If your family is suffering, uh, they start to bully you, look down upon you.So, not only family life, but also at work,both are like this.So, since your marriage is at this situation, when others talking, you don’t listen.You know?You yourself feel good about your family.This is **
M: Aha ha.I feel good about my family.
Me: Yeah.
M: Just say, that many things, all of them I have seen.You…
Me: No.If you feel that to keep your marriage is good for the family, for the child, and this is what you want.You know,if you go **, then you take the way of divorce.Ok? So,since you can tolerate her, after that, you **.Later on, if such things happen again, you think about your next step.About this, don’t talk about it at court again.You know what I mean? This is a way for you to save the marriage.
M: Save…
Me: To save the marriage, the husband should play an important role too.
M: For, for this, I have already done a lot.I have already contributed a lot.For… right on January 10th, my parents,took the child with them, went to the school to see her.
Me: Parents? You parents’ visiting didn’t mean the same, you know? You didn’t see it clear.What’s more, your parents got involved, that was worse for you two.How could you not admit this?
M: I, I don’t admit that.My parents…let me tell you this.In some families, maybe the other members do.But my parents…I think, what they did was…from the beginning,they were just…Even these problems happened, my brothers, no one of them, I told no one of them.
Me: OK.
M: I buried this matter in my own mind.
Me: Ok.
M: My parents only, took the child with them, went to her place to talk with her.You…what do you expect them to do?Why did they talk with you? They didn’t…they didn’t cause you any trouble.
Me: So, I think that your parents, with the child, went to see her is only a warm-up.What is more important? After this problem happened, you should have taken the lead.Hang in there, support her.But you didn’t.You let your parents take the lead.That wouldn’t work.Your parents cannot act on your behalf.
M: About this, you have your point.But there are many facts,are not like that.It was her who insisted on divorce.I,through all the time, firmly opposed.
Me: Before that? Some time before that, didn’t your parents interfere?
M: Interfere? What was my parents doing was not interfering.
Me: No? Didn’t your parents ask you two not to divorce? So, I think, at that time, you should have done something to pull her back instead.
M: Uh, I went there with them.I did try to pull her back.But long after that happened, nobody mentioned it again.After she sued, we started to talk about it.
Me: Ok.So, if you don’t want to divorce, you have to say something.You should, after geting off work, follow her to Zhengding.Just go ahead at any cost, you get into her room.You are trying to save the marriage, right? So, you should use this method.OK, now I know what you are trying to say.But, remember you should go and see it yourself.Sometimes, your awareness is not totally correct.And if others’ gossips get to you, don’t listen.If you listen,it’s only harmful to your family, no benefits.Just remember this point.All right? Let’s stop here now.Then I will talk with Lu Huiling, ok? Uh.
M: Huiling.
Me: OK.Tell her.Then you sit here for a moment.Talk to you later.
D：
Me: Uh, Just now I talked with your husband.We talked for a long time.I feel he is an honest man, quite honest.It’s true that he isn’t good at talking, not good at expressing himself.Uh, in general, he is an honest man.As a teacher,you are able to read and write.You are a person who…is imparting knowledge and educating people, being an exemplary teacher.So I think when, I am talking with you,an exemplary teacher, we will be, be more directly.Since that, that you have become a family, you should cherish that, uh, cherish that.And since you have become a family,and have had a child, we should try to save, to cherish, uh,to save the marriage is the right choice.That is one point.On the other hand, I…I have talked with your husband for a long time.I have said, that…at the beginning, I have said that, not only tolerate his merits, but also tolerate his defects.I think, for a couple, whatever defects they have,or other things.I said to him that in the future, if you don’t agree to divorce, when she has defects, whether you can tolerate her, you should be able to tolerate her defects.That is the most difficult part.
W: He has promised so so so so so so so many times, never works!
Me: Uh?
W: If it works, I don’t have to be like this! Why I trouble myself so much.Since last year, I have started to ask for mediation…and he has already invited mediators for us several times.
Me: OK.
W: No use!
Me: You…
W: If it helps, I, long time ago, I should have……Why should I…
Me: At night, about you surfing internet, all the time……
W: No, surfing internet, about what I was doing, I told him everything.
Me: Ok.
W: I didn’t…I have QQ number, and the code.
Me: Ok.
W: The mail-box code, the user name, I told him all, and I took him to our computer room to have fun.
Me: Ok.
W: All of my…, I, why I, until then I got to know, why I, he…he said that….he said, “All of your colleagues say that you are such and such.”Because that I, at my usual time….we are like buddies, just hang out together for dinners, or have a rest.We talk with each other in a casual way.I brought him with me sometimes, because I want…, after we got married I started to bring him to…that is to say, to join my social circle.
Me: En.
W: After all, my social circle is a circle.
Me: En.
W: Our colleagues together are a circle.
Me: Yeah, yeah.
W: To put it bluntly, I just want to bring him to join this circle,to be exposed to this, that is to say, let him be exposed to some new ideas, right? My colleagues are all…some people…, oh, to talk straight, some careless people.As for me, you can figure it out, right? I bought ***, I have hypotension and hypoglycemia.You can ask him, he knows that too.
Me: He is not good at talking, not good at expressing himself…
W: He is not only…, in fact it isn’t because of that, let me continue.One time, one of my colleagues just said, at the table, only said, “Xiao Lu is, just…loves hanging out.”I just hang out with them as friends, uh, just have fun together.Heard this, he yelled to me for a whole day.Seeing we, my colleague and I, sitting together for a while,he started yelling.What’s more, mothers like talking about their children’s weakness, Miss Yang, I think you also do this because you are a mother too.When he came to my mother’s house, before he and I got married, and also after we got married, my mother talked to him, “Our daughter is the youngest one, her temper is not good, and you, try to forgive her for her temper.Because you are the oldest son in your family…”Do you know what did he say to me? He said, “Your own mother says you are not good.How can you be a good person?”I said, “My mother, bad as I am,I’m my mother’s daughter, my mother…I am…more or less I must have some good sides, right?”I believe that, that I am a little hot-tempered…but I am reasonable, right? Why can’t you try to be tolerant, uh, be more tolerant, as much as you can.I am sort of careless.If you want to fight, then we fight.If you always yell, uh, then…trouble comes.Anyhow you should hang out with you wife sometimes,right? He has a motorbike…, even you drive…no motorbike,even you ride a bicycle, you can take me out for some fun,right? After we…especially when we were dating.Even after we got married, you still should have done that.We had a big yard.Every time after he took me somewhere on the bicycle, we got a flat tire.I couldn’t figure out why.I…then I told him that, at home, I didn’t have sense of safety.After I sat on the bike, it got a flat tire.If he rode the bike without me, nothing would happen.So I…when I came home, I just felt…I just looked for a spot and stayed there, stayed…stayed there.You…you know what kind of person I am.I am by no means that kind of person who likes to…likes to sit there doing nothing.I like looking for something to do.When you…he…definitely someone will speak ill of you, right? Shortly after our wedding, I said to him, “As we are of the younger generation, and I am not at your parents’ side, we should buy some pesents for them.”But every time I bought something for them, his mother would complain, about this about that.Even if the quality was good and the price was not high, she would still complain.I just couldn’t understand, I have grown up to this age, I…about this…such things, I don’t know shopping?I think, even if I only buy you a piece of cake, that still conveys my feelings.So I just feel like I owe her.There’re too many such things, countless.If it was not for what he has done when my father died, I plan to make do with it.But…
Me: But, your story is not the same as his story, about the matter of your father’s death.Tell me, when you father died, didn’t you…he…….
W: What did he say?
Me: He wasn’t…The first day when your father died, he got, on that first day, your sister-in-law’s call.He never got your call at all.
W: No, he didn’t.
Me: Ah.
W: It was, let me tell me, my family informed……
Me: Don’t mention that……
W: Ok.
Me: You sister-in-law called and only said to him, “Come over.”Nothing else.
W: He…
Me: He didn’t…he didn’t think deep.I asked him, “Your wife called you?”He said no.So…
W: That afternoon I called.That afternoon I called him.
Me: So on that first day…
W: That afternoon I called.
Me: You…let me finish first.
W: I still didn’t know what’s going on.
Me: See, like I said, when you found out something, I…just now I have said…
W: I hadn’t been back my father’s house for long.
Me: So I think that, suddenly, when…when there was an accident, the family wouldn’t say directly what happened.Especially something suddenly happened…
W: He…
Me: They didn’t say because they worried that the other one couldn’t bear it, right? It’s hard to bear.I have, to him,explained as such.Then I asked him, I asked, “Did your wife call you?”He said no, only your sister-in-law called.See, this was…
W: Oh, you…wait a second, you ask him, that afternoon,whether I called him, later you ask him.
Me: He went there the next day?
W: The third evening.
Me: He said he went over the next day.
W: Humph, the third night my family were talking about ****.At the end of our talking, he came, how could I forget that?It was such a big event for me.The fifth day, we buried my father.
Another Mediator: He was kept for 5 days.
Me: Uh.
W: The burial ground, bought by ourselves.The third day, we failed in reach any agreement.The fourth day, my bother,my sister-in-law and my mother, my sister, we went to negotiate, my brothers and sisters and I did the talk.
Me: So, It was, at that time, he was decorating the house,right?
W: Decorating the house? The two…, his parents were at home,and his brother was too.
Me: And that’s why he didn’t go.I asked him about that.The reason he didn’t go was, first, the house was under decoration, second, your sister-in-law made the call and didn’t tell him what happened.So…
W: No…
Me: I think, she didn’t say what happened, because it’s too sudden.Nobody could think of that.The **, and he is not good at talking, not good at expressing.He might not think that deep.
W: Right.
Me: Yeah? So, at that time, he wasn’t aware.Then I, I asked,I said, “who…”
W: Something happened, I had told him, “Something happened in my family, come over in a hurry.”And…
Me: He is not good at talking…
W: Not good at talking, but shouldn’t he have done something?
Me: But, at that time, he didn’t think that deep.
W: When he answered my phone, he…
Me: He didn’t mean other things.Then the next day…
W: That afternoon I called him.
Me: Anyhow, after that…, the next day he went there, right?
W: I got back home on the first day.That afternoon I called him.Because I, because….my sister-in-law had thought I was taking my cell phone, she called my school because one of my colleagues…a teacher, he didn’t answer either.Then the message was passed on to my dean, and the dean found me.I got back home, it was before 12 o’clock,between 11 and 12 o’clock, I got home.
Me: So, you might be…
W: On that afternoon, I called him.
Me: Maybe it was also because the language you used on the phone? Your sister-in-law said, “Come over here,something happened in our family.”But she didn’t say an accident happened.You know? She only said something happened.That is to say, without any clue, whoever could think of that someone had died? Usually nobody could think of that.
W: It’s not like you said.
Me: About this matter, you shouldn’t…
W: Ah, about this, it was sure hard to guess.Our family had an accident, right? That afternoon, and that afternoon, it was me who called him.The next day my mother also called him.But he just asked one sentence, he said,“Uh…does it matter that I don’t come?”I didn’t know why.But was this a small event? Even being late you should feel…right? There was some work, our house was under decoration.But after you came, you should have known what the priority was.Our family had such a big event.And he knew it clearly.But as he came over, he got into the west bedroom and went to bed.After a good sleep, he said to my brother-in-law face to face, “Her family’s business is none of my business!”Uh, how I could ignore that.My brother-in-law told me that was what he said.After that,because you see the day was turning cold, and I got something growing on my body, then I went outside to take a bath, because in the summer, the village doesn’t have a place for shower…
Me: Let’s cut it short.
W: Ok.All right.
Me: See, we are only talking about these few matters, and there are so many problems.You have defects, he has defects.
W: Yeah.
Me: You both should…
W: Understand…
Me: No.Nobody is perfect.
W: It’s true.
Me: So, on the occasion that both of you have defects, you can try to…tolerate his defects.Let’s talk about this first.For this is more helpful.
W: I tolerate, tolerate his what?
Me: We are now talking about this, you both have defects.Can you or can you not tolerate his defects?
W: I can’t.
Me: You can’t?
W: Absolutely not!
Me: Ok.
W: I can’t, when my mother dies, let that kind of thing happen again.
Me: Ok, you mean you can’t?
W: Absolutely not.
Me: Usually, to the ears **
W: Yeah.In the past, what he had done made our family feel unhappy.I tried to interfere, but I failed.I myself feel unsafe.And on the night of May 27th, 2005, he gave me a call and threatened me on the phone.
Me: Ok.
W: On the evening of June 24th, on the afternoon, he took our child away by force.On that night, I, and one of my colleagues called Li Shaoying, we took a taxi, to ask for the child.His families said to me, “If, if you want this child, stay with him, otherwise, you just leave.”And they insulted me, used dirty words on me, and on my father.I am one of his family members, but nobody allowed me to get in the house.They called my colleague a whore.And said, “Why do you come with this whore? You, you, you,you, you…you are nothing different!”That when they used dirty words on my colleague, that had something with me,right? Anyway she came with me to their house.But even the taxi driver, they didn’t spare him either.They said…he said, “These two whores only blew a few bubbles and you brought them here?”How can I know that how to face his family?
Me: Oh, well…what you mean is that, his behavior, you can not tolerate…
W: Absolutely not!
Me: No…
W: No…
Me: No possibilities, right? Then let’s…let’s stop here.Ask Ding Jian to come in.Then we stop here.
W: Yeah.
Me: If you feel that, you can tolerate each other, he can tolerate you, you can tolerate him, then we…
W: Never again…
Me: Never again, right?
W: Yeah, right.He has postponed this for one or two years.I hope I can live several years’ quiet life.
Me: Don’t think for you child, or your families, neither…
W: My child, I have to…
Me: Only…only think for yourself?
W: No.
Me: You are not good to me, and I divorce you? The child, if she suffers…let it be.
W: I, for more than a year, I haven’t seen my child.I never heard that a parent can’t see her child**
I…even the law, I can’t trust either.
Me: Aha ha
W: (Cry)
Me: Uh, Don’t cry.Take it easy, uh.
W: (Cry) I, for more than a year, I haven’t seen my child.
Me: About marriage problems, you should calm down.And you can’t *****.If you don’t calm down, you will screw it up,you know? Usually it will be screwed up.If you get divorced, when you feel sad, missing your child, you will feel more sad……
W: Why I ask for the child, I think, when the child grow up to 18 years old, when she is at my age, she, she might help me, right?
Me: Yeah.
W: Already I am getting old.She doesn’t need me being around her, worrying about her.Why I am so…..I only worry about her education, other things, I don’t care.
Me: Yeah.
W: I have said, when our daughter goes to senior high school,when her physical and mental development become stable,he can let her live with him, I pay the cost, even so, I can accept.But for her* , this period before she grows up,I…I’ll try my best to get her.
Me: Ok.How old, Hold old is the child?
W: Five years and five months.
Me: She hasn’t go to primary school yet.
Another mediator: Hasn’t decided yet.All depends on luck…(the two mediators discuss.)
W: This is only a fuse.Everybody knows this is only a fuse.
Me: Yeah.
W: I have said, I, in the past I have talked with him about…
Me: This time, give him another chance.
W: No! I have waited him for half a year.If I change…
Me: Give him another one, one more.
W: No!
Me: One…one more
W: No
Me: If he does wrong again, then we will think about it again.
W: I have given him already.
Me: Another one.
W: I have given him, I have given him many opportunities, no use.
M (comes in)
Me: Ding Jian.This morning, more or less, we have got to know the situation on your both sides.You each have told me something.Then I talked with you separately.After our talking, you both have admitted that both of you have some defects.But, uh…you have known something about yourself, and something about the other.After the court decided you should divorce…..no divorce, uh…this period of time, you have lived separately.After verified these facts, we talked separately.Uh…generally speaking, there are no big problems, right? No big problems.On the condition that both of you have done something wrong,uh…if neither of you can tolerate the other, our mediation can’t be successful, yeah.So, only when you two try to tolerate each other, then, you two can be of the same opinion.So, this morning, after we talked with you separately, uh…it didn’t reach our anticipated purpose.But, I still want to remind you…remind you something, uh,give you an advice.You have come to this far, you both should cherish this marriage.If you feel you can’t cherish it any more, then consider divorcing.Uh…, that is by no means impossible.So, at this aspect, about small matters,try to tolerate the other’s defects, uh, tolerate the other’s defects.Then, we can say you make a huge concession.As a man, if you can step back like this, I think,that will be a great movement.As for Xiao Lu,uh…you…today, you are a little over-reacting, right?
W: Yeah…
Me: Today you are a little over-reacting.Uh…so, whether our talk is successful or not, uh…you two think about that more carefully.Think about it more carefully.About what we will do next, we wait for the court’s summons, OK? Uh,during this period, examine yourself, both of you, examine yourself more.Don’t just focus on the other’s faults.Uh.Only stare at other’s defects, you can’t ** .Examine yourself, what you have done wrong.What I did wrong, and made the other act like that.Then, for the next step, it might be easy to**, ok? So, now let’s call it a day.Uh…today, I am very glad to meet you two.
W: You too.
Me: And you also teach me a lesson.But, when speaking of marriage and family, I don’t hope to receive bad news from you.Uh, you are a person who can read and write, yeah?You can read and write, so, since he has said that, I think you should give it a thought.Be cool, ok? We…today…we stop here, ok? Ok?
W: Yeah.
Me: Uh, wish you two a good trip.
W: Yeah.
Me: Aha ha.
W: Thank you.
Me: It’s ok.
E：
Me: He still needs to warm her heart.
Another woman: Yeah.
Me: Try harder to warm her heart, then let those who want to take advantage cannot find a loophole.But if he really can’t warm her heart again, there is no other choice.But if you even don’t try this step, and lose, uh? Is it good or not? I am telling you this method, warm her heart, leave other things alone.Your wife’s temper is hard to change,aha ha.Through talking, I have guessed that out.
M: What about me?
Me: Ah?
M: What about me?
Me: You are a slowcoach.
M: Ah.
Me: Yeah?
Another woman: No, you should look at…
Me: He is a slowcoach.Uh, both of your temper and character are not very good, and, you are like mutually complementary in character.In fact,mutually-complementary characters are better than having the same character.So, you have to change your...and your way of thinking.Then you try to warm her heart.
M: My way of thinking, what’s wrong with it?
Me: Hey, hey, don’t like me to point out your weakness, uh?
W: Aha ha.
Me: Yeah?
M: Character weakness…
Me: Yeah.Don’t only stare at others’ defects.
M: It’s…as for you, you should, when I talk, please try to forgive me, because I don’t have standards.
Me: Oh, you have…
M: An uncouth man, only know that one…one is one, two is two…
Me: Ok.
M: Anyway, it’s like that, when we meet again, it’s like we become friends.
Me: Yeah.
M: No matter…and it’s like, like that friends are chatting.I mean we are…
Me: Sometimes, about how to keep a family going along well,the key note is that, the man must try his best.If the man gives up, the life can’t go on, even if the woman is very capable, you know? That’s why the man is very important.If the man doesn’t want to uh…Oh, What’s Haoting’s phone number, cell phone?
Another man: 133
Another woman: Ok, let me write it down, 133
Another man: 1569
Another woman: 15...69
Another man: 1…135
Another woman: 1135.Ok.Then we know each other.
Me: Aha ha.That’s why we say, all marriages are, all are cold,extremely cold, extremely.And it depends on both sides,you can’t…Ropes can’t tie a couple together.After you become cold, then you can…
W: Both calm down will help.
Me: Yeah.Calm down first.Generally it’s like…
M: I…I just remember what I was trying to say.Many things she said, these matters, some of them are not true.Just take her father’s death as an example, I…
Me: She called you that afternoon, right?
M: Ah?
Me: That afternoon, did she call you?
M: Afternoon?
Me: Yeah.That morning, her sister-in-law called you, that afternoon, she herself called you.And told you that her family had an accident, did she call you?
M: Yes.
Me: Ah.
Another woman: Her mother also called.Her mother, the next day, called.
Me: Yeah.So, about this…
M: I made the call, I made the call.
Me: OK.
M: It’s not true…
Me: About this, you stop now.I just want to say, on the other hand…
M: You should make clear who called first.
Me: Aha ha.You…after her sister-in-law called, on that afternoon, she called you.
M: She didn’t call me.
Me: Uh…, you…
M: Now I feel…
Me: OK, whoever called, you or her.But after the call, and you knew her family had an accident, yeah, did she tell you?
M: After I kept asking her, she told me.
Me; Anyhow, she told you that, right?
M: Yeah.
Me: You went over…on the next day or on the third day?
M: The next day, the next…afternoon.
Me: She said on the third day.As to the source, one of you is lying.
M: And, what’s more…
Me: Yeah.
M: it’s not a big deal.
Me: You don’t talk, you don’t talk, listen to me.Back to the next day part…How could it be no big deal? Your father-in-law passed away, how could it be no big deal?
M: Oh, as a father-in-law, oh, let me tell you this…
Me: Xiao Zheng, listen to me.
M: I…
Me: Let me continue to verify the facts.
M: Yeah.
Me: What’s more, uh, what’s more…we have made it clear that she did call you.And after you went over, what did you say to your brother-in-law?
M: Ah?
Me: After you went over, to your brother-in-law, what did you say?
Another woman: In the west bedroom…west bedroom.
Me: In the bedroom in their house.
Another woman: The west bedroom.
Me: You, you and your…and your brother-in-law, what did you say? Did you say anything? Can you remember?
M: It’s true, I said something.It’s about the shares of the cost,shares of the funeral cost.
Me: Ah?
M: Shares of the funeral cost.
Me: Shares of the funeral cost, nothing else?
M: I didn’t remember anything else.
Me: You said, “any of their family business has nothing to do with me.”Did you say that? Aha ha
M: I…I said this but…if I said this, the, how to express myself,she might get it, might get it wrong.He was talking about the shares of the funeral cost.He said, “you guys are in a tough situation, we can cover your share.”I said that, I,actually, at that time, I said it’s not appropriate, not cool.He said such and such.I actually, I said, what I mean was…
Another woman: Right, he was talking about the shares.
M: What she said, what she said, actually I still…
Me: He changed his own story…
Another woman: Maybe, maybe it was…
Me: After that, she got your words that, “Whatever their family’s business is nothing to do with me.”And the change…the change…
Me: What you have said, it was wrong, you shouldn’t…
M: I am right talking with you about this.
Another woman: You didn’t play a helpful role, did you?
M: What? He said, “your family are in a tough situation, let us cover your share, just let us share the cost.”
Another woman: Oh.
M: In fact, as a family, to be honest, that little shares.They went there only to show to the public.
Another woman: Ok.
Me: Ok, yes yes.
M: En, what he reported was about that, I was talking about the business of Hui Ling’s family.
Another woman: OK, How much was your share…
M: What I was saying…
(noisy)
M: I got interrupted there.I mean, I, If it was about that, I could remember a little, I remember, that, I was talking about their family, she…she was…
Another woman: Hey, different people held different explanations.
M: If, I shouldn’t…
Another woman: Yeah, yeah, yeah.The understanding of these words were different.
Me: ****
M: Another matter was that, when we carried the coffin to the cemetery, his clothes wasn’t covered.I did it.Everybody saw that.I just did everything out of my consciousness.And on the way to the cemetery, I was holding her brother by the arm.If that I had anything that…