4.2　What is communication?

4.2　What is communication?

The development of language has allowed human beings to communicate more effectively with each other,first by speaking and later,by reading and writing.There are clearly issues with regard to privacy in relation to communications between human beings and we might also consider the importance of the style of communication,and whether power is being reflected in the communication.Is there equal communication between women and men,and between wives and husbands particularly? What role does communication play in society and within families? What effect does poor communication have on those involved? Academics are now exploring and thinking about such questions in the hope of improving people's quality of work and life.

As Thomas (1977) emphasises,conversation is a primary activity that marital partners engage in.Many couples spend extensive period of time talking to one another.Noller (1984) points out that communication and marriage are interrelated,in that marital satisfaction affects communication,and communication in turn affects marital satisfaction.We may infer that the better communication is between spouses,the happier they will feel (Fitzpatrick,1988) and that communication between marital partners is vitally important for both individual well-being and mutual harmony (Thomas,1977).

Domestic violence may be linked to a couple's neglect of each other or arise because of conflict between them.Their channel of communication may also be obstructed.Why? As Cameron (1998) states,language,in both verbal and nonverbal communications,is not neutral.The quality of communication between couples,good or poor,can reveal the quality of their marriage,or,indeed,be seen as a mirror of the marriage.Whorf (1976) also suggests that language and communication are not only vehicles carrying ideas,but also shapers of ideas and the programmers for mental activity.Therefore,poor communication will exacerbate the emotional problems of speakers and listeners,in particular of the latter.Some wives,for example,complain that their husbands are silent at home,which they may find deeply upsetting (Li &Zhou,2002;Tannen,1990) and which impacts adversely on their emotions (Liu,2003;Zhou &Fu,2003).Because they do not know why their husbands are silent,they can only speculate that their husbands may be angry with them and that they may have somehow displeased them,or,alternatively,that their husbands are upset about something that happened outside the home.Such uncertainty increases the potential for conflict (Noller,1984) and directly influences the marital relationship.Some academics such as Noller (1984) and Fitzpatrick (1988) suggest that,while communication is essential to society,it is particularly important in marriage because the couple's ability to communicate will do much to determine their happiness together.The subject of communication in marriage,therefore,needs to be explored.

Communication can be through either verbal or non-verbal behaviour (Noller,1984).The former involves words and voice,while the latter does not involve words and voice.In verbal communications the word used,the volume at which they are spoken and the tone of voice all play a part.A smile,a wink,a gesture,a nod or a grunt are also forms of communication - non-verbal forms (Noller,1984).In current research,kinesic behaviour (gaze,posture and gesture) is a form of non-verbal communication which is attracting considerable attention (NG &Bradac,1993).

Research has shown that silence or non-verbal communication between wives and husbands is common in China today (Cui,2002;Yang &Ye,2002;Yi,2004).But why are women usually the victims in poor marital communication? Are there differences in the kinds of verbal and non-verbal communication used by women and men? This is discussed below.

4.2.1　Gender difference in verbal communication

Many researchers have found that women and men have differing styles when speaking (Cameron,1998;Coates,1998;Eckert &McConnell-Ginet,2003;Kramarae,1981;Mills,1995).Women,for example,as Gumperz (1982) suggests,display a greater tendency to ask questions;to make use of positive responses;and to adopt a strategy of 'silent protest'.They also use pronouns such as 'you' and'we' more frequently and are more polite than men.Men,however,are more likely to interrupt the speech of others and in particular to interrupt women;to challenge or dispute utterances;to ignore the comments of the speaker or to respond slowly;to use more mechanisms for controlling the topic of discussion;and to make more direct declarations of fact or opinion than women.Men enjoy power in society and this power extends to conversation.Gumperz (1982) showed that there are differences in language usage between women and men.While his focus was principally on the style of conversation and he made scant mention of how women choose pronouns for example,nevertheless,he confirms that the different sexes speak differently.

Other academics such as Kramarae (1981) stressed that women are more conscious than men of 'proper speech'.Women may know but do not tend to use swear or curse words in the same context or with the same frequency as men (Thorne &Henley,1975).If girls/women swear,they may be regarded as'not nice' and their reputation may be harmed (Goddard &Patterson,2000) but such behaviour by boys/men is more acceptable.This phenomenon has been reflected in my data and will be discussed in later sections.In investigating gender differences,Selnow (1985) found that males and females reported that their fathers swore more than their mothers.This difference in the incidence of swearing by women and men is a key factor in psychological violence in the home.For example,Zhang (2002) found that 65 per cent of women experienced language abuse at home in China.

Hughes (1991) and Tu (2005) have suggested that there are two distinct types of swearing,pure and simple obscenity,including more or less stereotyped references to the female sex organs,and 'bad language',which is concerned chiefly with references to the backside and to excrement.Many commentators have noted that more words are available to insult women than there are to insult men and (because men swear more frequently) there can be particular use of swearing or dirty language with reference to women's bodies (Cameron,1992).This suggests one way in which women or wives are victims in language abuse.Typically women become very angry when subjected to swearing or dirty language by their husbands (Nie,2003),as will be discussed in my interview data.The majority perceive language abuse as personally insulting.Such swearing or dirty language may hurt women as much emotionally as physical violence (Liang,2004;Wei,2005;Zhang,2005).

4.2.2　Gender difference in non-verbal communication

Conveying interpersonal attitudes is an important function of non-verbal communication (Noller,1984).It is a form of communication which,with its nuances and intricacies,can be particularly revealing of how two people are getting along.In such exchanges,the couple conveys attitudes to each other through facial expression and intensity of gaze,gentle or aggressive gestures,silence,etc.,and may also convey strong emotion,happiness or sadness,depression or confusion,excitement or disgust,using gestures such as waving hands or fists,stamping of feet,etc.In considering non-verbal communication,can we detect any difference in its usage between women and men?

According to some researchers,women are more sensitive than men to nonverbal cues in communication and are seen as a silent group (Kramarae,1981;Thorne &Henley,1975),suggesting that women are more inclined to silence than men.However,this may not be true in practice.Men,for example,may be more silent than women in the home.In a survey conducted by the China Law Society,65 per cent of the husbands in the 3,500 families did not communicate with their wives when there was family conflict (Yan,2004).In one case,the husband had not spoken to his wife,Mrs.Ze,for twenty years and this psychological violence had affected her ability to sleep,which contributed to her low moods and ultimately,her heart disease.He still refused to speak to her even when she wanted to discuss divorce (Li &Zhou,2002).

While many wives may be coerced into silence through fear,sadness,violence,etc.and their silence may be seen as passive,husbands' silence may be caused　by dislike,disgust,hate,etc.,and can be seen as aggressive.Wives can find their husbands' silence very hurtful,and this may damage them psychologically.In China,wives subjected by their husbands to prolonged periods of silence have become sleepless and fallen into trancelike-states,as happened in the case of Mrs.Ze described above.'Again and again',one woman complains,'he seems to have everything to say to everyone else,and nothing to say to me' (Tannen,1990:79).In the privacy of the home,this may be a prominent factor in marital difficulties.