10.3　Involvement of 'third party'

10.3　Involvement of 'third party'

Chapter 1 indicated that psychological violence may include the phenomenon of one partner openly bringing a new partner:'disanzhe' (the 'third party') into the home or cohabiting with the third party,thereby humiliating the spouse (Li,2003;Zhou,2002).According to the previous Chinese studies 'third party' relationships as a domestic issue is prominent in China,which is also reflected in my interview data.Through the analysis of the interview data,I found that nine of the 40 interviewees(eight couples and twenty-four married women and men) had experienced 'third party' issues.These individuals had experienced the break up of their marriage and family because of involvement of a 'third party' (as a non-verbal behaviour) by perpetrators.The respondents who were professionals were also asked about this.They thought that 'third party' situations could cause a domestic problem.In the following I will look at how the respondents narrate perpetrators' behaviour in the home when they have 'third party' relationship;how they talk about 'third party' situations;and whether there is a difference in this behaviour as used by wives and husbands.

Example 28:W1 said that:

[My former husband] loved the new and loathed the old.Because he had his new lover,he cold-shouldered me and did not like to stay in the home.He always emphasised that he was busy at work,which was a pretext for his staying outside.He did not communicate with me,which forced me to divorce him.Men have the feature that they always love young and beautiful girls.

However,her current husband (H1) said that:

[Everyone] had the feature that they like to love the new and loathed the old.Men were not responsible entirely for the 'third party' because today women attract men more actively than men in society attract women.In order to obtain a good living standard,women without money considered no one else and were not ashamed to pursue men who were married.Once they got money from the men which could satisfy their material wants,they started to seek better sex.Therefore,women sought young men.

From Example 28 (i.e.W1 &H1),we can see that W1 experienced the involvement of a 'third party' by her former husband.She described how her former husband behaved in the home since he had had a 'third party'.He did not like to stay in the home with his wife and did not communicate with her.He used these specific non-verbal behaviours to hurt her emotionally in order to obtain a divorce.Because of her experience,she thought that men always love only young and beautiful girls and was critical of men.By contrast,H1 talked about 'third party' situation in another way.He considered that both men and women will like to love the new and loathe the old.This is natural.He criticised women because women usually attracted men in order to satisfy their material wants and sex.In this,he saw women as responsible for 'third party' but not men.Through this analysis,we can see that there may be a difference in 'third party' between women and men's views.

Example 29:H6^[13] was fifty-two years old and an Associate Professor.He was remarried,and therefore had much experience of marriage and family.He said that:

[My first marriage] failed because my former wife and I had no common opinion on marriage and family.She thought that she was married to me in order for me to accompany her and earn much money.However,I could not meet her two requirements.Firstly,since I was married,I needed to concentrate on my work and threw myself into it.Therefore,I neglected her.Secondly,she chose me as her husband because I was one of the first students to be enrolled in the year China resumed university examination and people started to respect knowledge,which made her vain.But,after our marriage,she looked forward to a luxurious life because of Chinese economic reform.People started to concern themselves with 'money'.Therefore,she had her new lover (a businessman) and insisted on the relationship with him.We were divorced finally.

From Example 29,we can see that H6 experienced 'third party' from his former wife.He thought that the failure of their marriage resulted from their different opinions on marriage and family.From his words,we can see that H6 only emphasised why his former wife married with him,indicating that his former wife depended on him.His words may imply a gender difference in his mind.As shown in Chapter 9,he also considered that work is first for men.Such social pressure seemed to make him neglect his former wife.In addition,his view is similar to H1's view:women enjoy material wants and needs from men/husbands but in this case,it seems she also wanted prestige.For example,he said that his former wife looked forward to a luxurious life and had a 'third party' relationship with a businessman.Nevertheless,he noted that his former wife's change was within the context of Chinese economic reform when money has become more important for people than in the past.'Money' might be a first priority for people in reality.

Example 30:F2 told her story sadly:

[In 1997],I encouraged my husband to go to Dongguan^[14] where he could look for a good job.Therefore,we had to separate from each other for our good life.At the beginning,I could not get used to this separation but my husband rang me and comforted me.He said that I would go there when he got a job and earned money.In 1998,he ran a garage in partnership then asked me to go there.We were happy during this period.However,I left Dongguan for Wuhan when I was pregnant.After the birth of our daughter,I looked after her by myself in order to support my husband.However,he rang me rarely and was not concerned about us.Therefore,I went to Donguan and visited him in May 2001.But my husband proposed divorce.I asked him 'why?' He said that another woman loved him so there was a relationship between them.Moreover,that woman was pregnant.I found this painful and asked how he could propose divorce? We had been married for a few years and had shared the hard times.I could not face it and did not agree with him.Therefore,he abused me physically and psychologically in order to force me to divorce.

From Example 30,we can see that F2 was a victim of the involvement of a'third party' with her husband.For the sake of the family,she encouraged and supported her husband to develop his career and tolerated spousal separation.At the beginning,her husband was concerned about and comforted her,shown by the fact that he rang her frequently and invited her to visit him.However,he changed when he made a progress in his career.He was no longer as concerned about his wife and had a new lover and proposed divorce.Because of the 'third party' relationship,he started to abuse his wife physically and psychologically.From this example,we can see that the concept 'men outside but women inside' impacted on this couple.F2 supported her husband to be a good breadwinner but her husband destroyed his promise that they would live together in Dongguan once he earned much money.Apparently,F2 depended completely on her husband and could not support herself and her daughter because she had no job and no money.As discussed in the above,her husband considered himself as superior to his wife and forgot that his success was a result of his wife's support.He did not thank his wife but betrayed her.

Example 31:F10^[15] at the age of forty-nine was a cadre and had completed college.She was a special woman because she was experiencing cancer while suffering domestic violence.In 1980s,her leg was amputated because of bone cancer.She as a disabled wife supported the family because her husband had no job (laid off).She recalled that:

[After] a 'third party' became involved in our marriage and family,my husband started to batter and curse me.Moreover,he did not come home every weekend.Then he left our family completely and stayed with his new lover,without a divorce.He abandoned our daughter and me....

From Example 31,we can see that F10 was a victim of 'third party' involvement.She said that her husband battered and swore at her since he had a 'third party' relationship with another woman.Finally,he did not live with F10 and their daughter but lived with his new lover,although he still kept the legal marriage relationship with F10.

Example 32:P9^[16] was over forty years old and head of the Judicial Office in the Beihu area.Reporting an experience from her research,she said that:

[Third party] causes domestic violence between couples.For example,during a period of dancing outside,encouraged by his wife,the husband met a woman and had a special relationship with her.Therefore,since then,he cold-shouldered his wife without battery and quarrel.He tortured her psychologically.

From Example 32,we can see that P9 as a professional conceptualised 'third party' relationships as a domestic issue,which caused domestic violence.An example given by P9 indicates that the husband became involved with a 'third party' when he danced outside the home.When he betrayed his wife,he also used nonverbal behaviour,such as cold-shoulder,to torture his wife psychologically.

Example 33:P12^[17] was over thirty years old and a chair of the Women's Federation in Mingyi area.She told of the following case:

[In her work area],there was a couple who lived in the house the mother-in-law(husband's mother) owned.There was a conflict between them.Therefore,the husband took another woman as his lover and lived with her in another place.His behaviour hurt his wife.In particular,he proposed that his lover also stay in their house.So,his wife had to agree with it.That woman stayed in the home with her husband for two years.Finally,her mother-in-law and their son thought that her husband's behaviour was wrong and asked the woman to leave the house.Because of this,her husband started to batter and curse her in order to express his hate.

From Example 33,we can see that P12,a professional,gave an example in relation to'third party'.In this case the husband made a 'third party' relationship with another woman and firstly stayed with her elsewhere,then brought her to the home.His wife tolerated this and permitted them to live in the home for two years.However,this husband battered and swore at his wife because of the intervention from their family.He hated his wife.

Through the analysis,we can see that these examples reveal that perpetrators(mainly husbands) would torture their partners in different ways,including battery,swearing,non-communication,and living with a new lover once they have a 'third party'.From these examples,we can see that victims (mainly wives) tolerated this behaviour by their partners and they did not use the law to protect themselves.Interestingly,this type of behaviour was prohibited from 1949 until the 1970s,and we might want to question why this behaviour/phenomenon seems to be appearing quite frequently and to be accepted during this period of rapid development of China?

Example 34:H4 said that:

[I] admired a man if he had a 'third party',as this indicated that he was capable and also rich....

Example 35:M4^[18] at the age of thirty-eight was an Associate Professor.He was divorced and said that:

[As far as] third party is concerned,I would not specially look for it but I would acceptit in order to raise things to high level in my body and psychology.For example,I would seek a sexual partner for my sexual desire if my wife had her period or was pregnant.In addition,it worked if the sexual behaviour was healthy.If the marriage existed in name only,but other forms out of marriage e.g.the sexual relationship with other people,were flexible.We needed to concentrate on the natures of people.

From Examples 34 and 35 (i.e.H4 &M4),we can see that both H4 and M4 accepted this behaviour.H4 emphasised that a man should be seen as capable and rich if he had a 'third party'.He admired such a man.From M4's narration,we can see that he might hope to have a 'third party' because he suggested 'concentration on natures of people' mainly in relation to sex.These two examples also suggest that there may be gender differences in the acceptance of third party behaviour.

Example 36:W7 said that:

[With regard to] third party,I could understand those people who took a third party.This is because some people did not get warm emotions in the home so they needed to search for love outside in order to supplement their 'hunger' for love....Such a phenomenon caused domestic conflict between wives and husbands.In particular,some men who did not renounce the relationship with their wives lived together with their new partners,which was called 'bao er nai' (third party).This situation was usually within the context of their children growing up.Husbands asked their wives to divorce or to be tolerant once their wives found out.Their behaviour hurt their wives.In addition,men always liked young and beautiful women so that they disliked their wives.As the old Chinese saying goes,nine out of ten men were fond of women.In addition,I thought that those men who had a fixed job should not do third party.

H7 said that:

[Because of] the reform,the awareness of sex has been opened up.Some men have become rich so that they consider women as a commodity and enjoy them for their happiness.However,women want to change their living condition so they seek rich men to depend on,which allow women easily to have a luxurious life.In respect to men,this type of behaviour is seen as male,to do with power,money and pleasure,whereas with regard to women,it is seen as women being dependent.Therefore,the phenomenon of third party is a serious issue in China,and the result of a market-economy.At the same time,no matter how women change,they can never change their feelings about birth and caring.Some men play with the emotions of women,namely on occasion having fun with women.Others become famous and rich and gain prestige so that they give thousands and thousands yuan to their wives,then leave them for their new lovers.Their behaviour is seen as reasonable in society.

From Example 36 (i.e.W7 &H7),we can see that this couple talked about'third party' relationships in a different way.W7 said that she could understand this behaviour because some people did not get warmth in the home,which implies that she accepted this behaviour.Moreover,she said that men should not have a 'third party' if they had a fixed job,which may imply that they are at a certain status,and some people without a job may do so.She also suggested that 'third party' situations impacted on marriage and family,which led to domestic violence in the home.Perpetrators (Husbands) sometimes forced their wives to divorce or to tolerate their wrong behaviour when they had 'third party' relationship.She criticised those men because they did not renounce the relationship with their wives but lived together with their new partners.She argued that men always liked young and beautiful women but disliked their wives,which is similar to W1's view.

H7 generally pointed out that the 'third party' phenomenon was the result of a market-economy.He suggested that men enjoy women to increase their own happiness because they are rich and see women as a commodity.He emphasised that such men having a 'third party' shows off their power,wealth and pleasure to others,which is why H4 admired those men.Nevertheless,H7 also said that this behaviour occurs in the home or society because women pursue material wants so that they seek rich men to depend on.His view is similar to H1 and H6's views.From his comment,we can see that he may be neutral because he criticised such behaviour of both men and women.In addition,a gender issue may be reflected in his view because those men having 'third party' see women as an object and 'play with the emotions of women',while 'no matter how women change,they can never change their feelings about birth and caring',which reveals that men are dominant over women but that women are less selfish than men.

From the analysis of Example 36,we can see that W7 and H7 talked about 'third party' relationships in different ways.W7's view focuses on individual emotion and sex,as a cause of this phenomenon occurring,while H7's views are linked to social,economic causes and gender issues.

Through the analysis of Examples 34 to 36,we can see why having a 'third party' relationship appears to be a frequent phenomenon in the rapid development of China.Firstly,people have accepted this behaviour in society,which differed from the previous time because there is less political control in China.Now the majority of people would not like to involve themselves in others' lives,which allows more fl exibility in behaviour.In particular,some people admire or pursue this behaviour.We can also see that female and male interviewees discussed this behaviour differently.The former criticised men for liking young and beautiful women,while the latter criticised women for wanting material goods.In short,their comments focused on 'love the new and loathe the old',and 'economy/money' as important concepts in relation to causes of 'third party' relationships.From these examples,we can see that wives might be the main victims in 'third party' situations.Wives appeared to suffer domestic violence because of their husbands having a 'third party'.Apparently,there is gender difference in this behaviour between wives and husbands.Why is there difference in behaviour between couples?

10.3.1　Gender inequality and 'third party' involvement

The phenomenon of 'third party' (disanzhe),according to other Chinese studies,is widespread in China (Wang,2005).From January to July 1995 in the district of Wuhan,60 per cent of the 480 divorce cases were concerned with 'third party' situations (Wang,2005).In 2000,the Centre of Care and Instruction received many complaints.Among the 201 interview cases dealing with marriage issues,59 cases were involved in 'third party',that is 29.4 per cent (Liu,2002).As shown in Chapter 2,eighty five per cent of respondents agreed that such behaviour caused domestic violence:husbands harm their wives because of loving the new and loathing the old (Tian,2000).These study results are similar to my research results because the proportion of experiencing 'third party' relationships reached 23 per cent among my 40 interviewees (eight couples and twentyfour married women and men),and the female interviewees also said that their husbands loved the new and loathed the old so that their husbands abused them through a 'third party' relationship.One in five of the female interviewees (20%,8/40) experienced 'third party' situation,while only one male interviewee (2.5%) experienced it.Why do men practise such behaviour more than women at home? Why do men love the new and loathe the old more often as the interviewees suggested? I believe,this is,as discussed repeatedly in the previous chapters or sections,because men are defined as socially and culturally superior to women in the home and society.

As discussed in Chapter 3,Chinese history or society,across more than a thousand years,empowered men to marry more than one woman,that is polygamy.For example,in the ancient eras there was the expression 'the three palaces and six chambers (sangong liuyuan),which meant that emperors could have hundreds and hundreds women who would serve him sexually.Ordinary men could also have more than one wife - 'three wives and four concubines' (sanqi siqie).This legacy still remains noticeable in today's society,although the China Marriage Law (2001:5) stipulated that cohabitation of a married person with any third party shall be prohibited.In Example 34,H4 admired a man who had a 'third party' because it indicated the man's ability,superiority and property.On the other hand,M4 in Example 35 expressed that he,if he had a chance,would get a 'third party' in order to raise his quality of life bodily and psychologically.In addition,W7 in Example 36 said that she could understand those people who had a 'third party' because some people felt unhappy in the home.They therefore needed to search for love outside in order to supplement their 'hunger' for love.Particularly H4 and M4,as men,would not refuse it if they had the opportunity.From their words,we can see that women's position is still inferior to men and women may be seen as an object by men.Men look for women in order to obtain satisfaction in relation to emotion,sex,pleasure and power.

As illustrated in Chapter 9,men's work usually seems to be valued,while women's work seems to be valued less.The examples in this section indicate that husbands having a 'third party' relationship were at a certain status,e.g.the former Husband of W1 was a head of a university and the Husband of F12 was a head of a department,the Husband of F2 ran a garage in partnership,and the H6's former wife's new lover was a businessman.They have the ability to show their power and property to others,including their wives and lovers.As H4 said,he admired such men because they have the ability and are rich.As H7 said,some men become famous and rich and gain prestige.They can therefore give thousands and thousands yuan to their wives,then leave them for their new lovers.

Because of this gender inequality in position and division of labour,wives who experienced 'third party' involvement by their husbands tended to tolerate this behaviour.They did not use the law to protect themselves but suffered the physical and emotional consequences.For example,P12 in Example 33 told a story that a wife agreed with her husband bringing his new lover to the home and stayed in the same house although this is illegal.F2 in Example 30 persuaded her husband to give up on divorce because she and her husband had been married for a few years and spent/shared the hard time.Her husband still hardly gave her money and kept the relationship with his new lover.Because of their wives' tolerance,perpetrators(usually husbands) can unscrupulously do what they want to.

'Third party' by husbands can be seen as a symbol of power.As Coward (1983) states,such power represents a patriarchal authority.A model of power is as interpersonal domination,a model of power over all women.In my research the wives who experienced 'third party' involvement said that their husbands tortured them physically and psychologically in order to get them to divorce.The perpetrators (husbands) abused their partners more severely if they did not agree to divorce.However,the majority of victims (wives) still choose toleration within this context.This is because the perpetrators seem to master the psychology of their partners:wives worry about divorce.As illustrated in the previous chapters,wives concentrate on marriage and family,that is,they depend on husbands and are more vulnerable.It is argued by de Beauvior (1993) that this is due to women having no past,no history and no religion of their own.They are as wives/mothers inferior to husbands/fathers.In China it is generally said that wives may have difficultly in remarrying if they divorce because few men would like to marry with women who had been wives before.Perpetrators (usually husbands) may therefore use such behaviour to abuse their wives in order to attain their goal:divorce or other forms of control.In this context,some wives may be very obedient or tolerate such violence if they do not want to divorce,which has been reflected in my interview data.Although others have to agree with divorce from their husbands,they may tolerate such behaviour with difficulties or may be forced finally to do so.The 'third party' behaviour shows that one (mainly men) is controlling,but the other (mainly women) is controlled in the home,which is an issue of gender/power inequality between wives and husbands.