9.1　Conceptualisation of communication by the inte...

9.1　Conceptualisation of communication by the interviewees

As seen before,communication and marriage are interrelated (Noller,1984) and communication is one of the primary activities marital partners engage in together

(Thomas,1977).The interviewees therefore could not avoid this topic when they talked about their marital lives or their experiences of domestic violence.Their different conceptualisations of 'communication' are as follows:

Example 6:M1^[2] was thirty-seven years old and graduated from university.He was in charge of a School of Foreign Languages.He said that:

[Couples] need to communicate with each other,which is the key for a happy marriage and family.This is because communication can prevent wives and husbands from some unhealthy behaviours such as quarrelling,cursing,fighting,etc.Nevertheless,society puts more pressure on men than on women.In other words,men,in particular husbands,need to do more in order to achieve high social status and to be a good breadwinner.Therefore,some husbands are so busy with their work and associated tasks that they have to neglect their wives and do not communicate with them.But they do not know that such behaviour hurt their wives.They are usually afraid that when there is a conflict between their wives and them,they will be seen as a peasant^[3] by their wives if they batter their wives,and as a plebian^[4] if they scold their wives.Therefore,they consider that using non-communication to their wives may be a good way to stop their conflict.

Example 7:F1^[5] was forty-nine years old and a teacher in a primary school.With her experience,she illustrated and emphasised that:

[Communication] is very important for wives and husbands.For example,some university trainees came to my husband's department.Among them,one girl student liked my husband and often sent messages to him.At the beginning,I did not know it but found that my husband behaved strangely at home,e.g.he talked less with me and was agitated sometimes.Through observation,I decided directly to discuss his slight change with him.When we talked,my husband told his story to me.After hearing it,I did not blame or criticise him but reminded him that he needed to think about it carefully according to his real situation e.g.marriage and family.I also analysed that there was a phenomenon at present in China:a young woman and an elder man.Such a womanlooked for a man who was married and had a certain social status in order to depend on him.I suggested that he should probably eliminate outside interference.Owing to this conversation,we felt better because my husband told it to me openly and I knew what caused my husband's change.Through this communication,we understood and loved each other more.After this experience,I really knew that communication was very important for couples.

Example 8:W6^[6] was forty-six years old and a lawyer.She had strong feelings concerning happy marriage and family because she was a victim of domestic violence.After a ten-year-marriage,she left her first husband who was a domestic violence perpetrator and married her second husband.This marriage had lasted ten years.She told me her story:

[According to my experience],unhealthy communication will influence a happy marriage and family.For example,in my first marriage,both my former husband and I failed because of unhealthy communication.When there was a conflict concerning educating our child between us,he always abused me with verbal abuse,e.g.cursing and dirty language as a communication form.Facing such a situation,I always asked him to stop because his behaviour hurt me and I was afraid of outsiders hearing it,but he continued.Therefore,I was so sad and angry that I did not talk with him for one or two months.Accordingly,we could not tolerate such unhealthy communication and finally divorced.From this result,I learnt a lot and recognised that healthy communication benefited conjugal relationships.Therefore,I have paid more attention to communication with my present husband.If there is a conflict between us,I try to exchange my ideas with him until we reach a common understanding.Within this context,we live together well.

Example 9:W1^[7] was fifty-nine years old and remarried.She was an associate professor and retired.She suffered psychological violence and said that:

[Communication] is a necessary behaviour between wives and husbands.If it is lacking in their life,some issues occur between them.For example,my former husband and I lived together for more than 20 years.Because gradually there was less communicationbetween us,we did not understand each other or have common opinions about anything,which caused our divorce.The situation of less communication occurred in the period when our son grew up and studied in the university.In particular,my former husband's status went from a teacher to a head of the university.Outside,he was praised by his colleagues,which turned his head.He started to look down on me.In addition,I as a wife could not flatter him because wife and husband should have an equal right at home.He was my husband but not my boss.During his 'cold' war,I always tried to communicate with him but he did not do so.

Example 10:H8^[8] at the age of sixty was Chancellor of a university.He as a remarried man expressed that:

[Communication] is essential and very important for couples.We need to pay attention to this.For example,sometimes my wife complained that I did not communicate with her because I disliked her.That was not correct.I told her that I did not speak with her because I felt tired after fi nishing my work.In reality,men need to bear the pressure from both work and society.

From Examples 6 to 8,we can see that M1,F1 and W6 suggested the importance of communication between wives and husbands,which may be the key for a happy marriage and family.M1 simply stated that communication could prevent domestic violence occurring between couples.However,this was neglected by husbands.F1,with her own experience,illustrated that she and her husband exchanged their ideas and settled the issue of why her husband talked less with her.Such communication helped her husband to resolve the external disturbance.The conflict between them was nipped in the bud.W6,with her marriage experience,narrated that unhealthy communication:verbal abuse by her former husband destroyed their marriage.She expressed that she learnt a lot and recognised that healthy communication benefited conjugal relationships.

From Examples 9 and 10,we can see that W1 and H8 stated that communication is necessary between wives and husbands.W1 noted that some issues would occur between couples if communication was lacking in their life.For example,she and her former husband could not understand each other because there was less communication between them,which was caused by her former husband failure to communicate with her in the home.H8 said that couples needed to pay attention to communication in the home.His words seemed to imply the same meaning as W1's:some problems would occur between couples without good communication.For example,his wife^[9] complained about his lack of communication.She (W8) said:

...[My husband] disliked me because I chattered but he did not like to communicate with me ...I always asked myself whether he did not love me and often wondered whether I did badly in some aspects.When I told my sad feeling to him,he did not agree with me and said that he was busy with his work and felt tired....

From her words,we can see that H8 might fail to communicate with his wife although he suggested that communication is very important for couples to pay attention to.Moreover,W8,under this context,worried about whether her behaviour disturbed her husband so that he did not talk with her.

These five examples implied that there might be a power difference in communication between wives and husbands.For example,husbands may be likely to control a family,especially their wives.Example 7 has shown that the husband of F1 did not communicate with his wife because he almost considered entering into an emotional world outside marriage.Examples 9 and 10 also revealed this domination by husbands,too.In particular,the former husband of W1 did not communicate with his wife when he became a head of the university.Because of this,he used such behaviour to show his power in the home.But why is there a power difference between wives and husbands? This is because history and society empowered the superior rights for men for thousands of years.The concept 'men are superior to women' is still in men's mind.They have power or are patriarchal in the home,while wives are subordinate in the home.Wives therefore tried to communicate with their husbands although they suffered unhealthy communication by their husbands.Through the analysis of the data,we can see that husbands may do what they want to in the home.

These examples also revealed a gender issue in communication between wives and husbands.By a man's view,M1 pointed out that this phenomenon of noncommunication by husbands is caused by the social pressure because men/husbands need to face a social challenge in order to achieve high social status and to be a main breadwinner in the home.They therefore felt so tired in this context that they could not communicate with their wives.H8's words are similar to M1.He emphasised the social stress he believed men suffered.Thus he did not communicated with his wife because he felt tired after fi nishing his work.Moreover,M1 seemed to forgive such behaviour by husbands to their partners.Because of their busy work,it may seem acceptable for husbands to communicate less with their wives in the home.

M1's words also conveyed the reason why husbands chose non-communication to their wives,which seems to imply a difference between social categories of people.In China,there is a prominent gap between urban and rural areas (Wang,2002).Conditions of the urban population are superior to those of the rural,i.e.income and expenses of urban residents are all higher than those of rural residents ((Li &Zhao,1995).'Peasants' may therefore look forward to and pursue the urban life,which has become a fact indeed because many peasants have entered into cities since the economic reform (Zhu et al.,2006).Some urban people consider that without the good conditions,the 'cultural' quality of rural residents may be likely to be lower than the urban residents (Yan &Chen,1997).Thus they may behave rudely and illiterately when entering into cities.On this account,'urban' residents may ridicule or look down upon 'peasants'.From M1's words,we can see this.For example,he said that husbands will be seen as a 'peasant' by their wives if they batter their wives and as a 'plebian' if they scold their wives.In reality,some Chinese people consider that this kind of people will be likely to batter or scold their partners because they have less knowledge (non-intellectuals) and as well as the lowest status in society.In other words,such kinds of people may be not respected.For this reason,some people who see themselves as intellectuals or have a high social status would be likely to use non-communication instead of battery and swearing to abuse their partners if they want to do so.

However,according to the women's explanation (F1,W1 and W6 in the examples above) deferred from the men's explanations.Wives did not talk about the different social pressure their husbands felt that they faced.For example,according to F1,her husband nearly entered into an emotional world outside marriage.According to W1,her former husband talked with her less because his social status had changed.He became head of a university.W6 believed that her former husband used dirty language as the communication style in their conflict because he wanted to humiliate her and to let neighbours know this.He had more power than his wife in the home.In addition,these wives also faced social pressure because they work currently or had worked in the past.Within this context,they also need promotion in Danwei and feel tired after finishing their work similarly to men.In particular,these wives not only work outside but also in the home,which means that twofold tasks are on their shoulders as discussed in Chapter 3.For example,while working,F1 brought the daughter of her and her husbands to see doctors and looked after her because she was weak and often ill since her birth.Accordingly,she would feel very tired so that she should communicate less with her husband similarly to husbands' views.But she actively communicated with him.Apparently,men's lesser communication with their wives may not link to social or working pressure.A gender issue produced socially and indeed historically may cause this unhealthy communication between wives and husbands.