10.1　Use of ridicule

10.1　Use of ridicule

As explained in Chapter 1,psychological violence may mean that one partner often ridicules another publicly or privately (Li,2003;Zhou,2002).This behaviour may cause unhappiness between couples because it indicates a lack of respect and politeness.According to my research,ridicule is a verbal behaviour often used by both wives and husbands.Firstly,let us look at how the interviewees talked about use of ridicule by their partners,then look at the difference in this behaviour between wives and husbands,and then look at different educational backgrounds.

10.1.1　Use of jokes and nicknames as ridicule:from the interview sample In the interviews,interviewees talked about experiencing ridicule from their partners in the form of jokes or use of nicknames in the home.While some respondents felt that use of jokes or nicknames added humour to the home environment,and was therefore experienced positively,others felt that jokes and nicknames had negative impacts on them.Some key examples of these two effects are as follows:

Example 23:W1 said that:

[My former husband] liked to give me a nickname based on my body weakness.He liked to joke with at me in any occasions.For example,he considered that I was fat so that he called me a 'petrol bucket'....I didn't feel uncomfortable,I was used to it.

Example 24:F9 illustrated that:

[Humor] will be built more between wives and husbands.My husband sometimes called me 'lao' (old) caitai^[3] but I with smile responded that 'lao' caitai also has fl owers.Humor may create harmony in family environment.Nevertheless,we needed to pay attention to this humor,which should not hurt each other.Sometimes we also joked with each other publicly,specifically among our best friends.

By contrast in Example 25:W8 noted that:

[My husband] liked to give me jokes with a nickname.Sometimes I accepted them but sometimes I couldn't.This was because I felt hurt and disdained when he practised jokes to me.For example,he repeatedly said:'our stupid ox^[4] did this' when I finished something in the home.Through this,I felt seemingly that I was really more stupid andlower than him in the home.I didn't like these jokes by him.

H8 also stressed that:

[I] think that giving jokes or nickname to my wife was good because this way could make a happy environment in the home and jokes or nickname might be humorous.

From Examples 23 to 25,we can see that W1,F9,and H8 conceptualised or saw jokes or nicknames as humorous,and that they accepted this form of communication in the home.For example,W1 did not complain about the jokes or the nickname used by her former husband although these words or names were based on her body weakness.She expressed that she was used to her former husband using this behaviour.H8 and F9 considered that such behaviour could be seen as humor,which created a harmonious environment in the home.

By contrast,F9 also noted that this behaviour by one partner might be experienced as ridicule that hurt the other partner as Hageseth III (1988) states,negative jokes cause 'harm'.Ridicule cannot bring positive benefits because it is not proper humour (Billing,2005).This may be because this behaviour intends to mock or humiliate^[5].W8 in Example 25 could not always accept this and said that she felt hurt when her husband made jokes at her expense.She thought that her husband used this behaviour to be disdainful of her.This behaviour impacted on her selfconfidence making her feel that she was stupid and had low ability in comparison with her husband.The examples also indicate that there may be a difference in this behaviour between wives and husbands because wives mainly suffered this kind of ridicule from their husband.

In another instance we find direct ridicule being used by a husband against his wife:

Example 26:H4 ridiculed his wife publicly that:

[How] could my wife have a third party relationship because she was from the countryside but I was from the city?

From this example,we can see that H4 was so proud of his status – an urban person^[6] that he looked down upon his wife.He ridiculed her publicly when I interviewed him.He thought that his wife could not possibly to make a third party relationship (although this is illegal behaviour) with another because she was a rural person.From his words,we may infer that he looked down on individuals from the countryside,while he had the right to have a third party relationship with another woman because he was an urban person.In his mind he was superior to his wife because of the different birthplaces,and he could ridicule his wife on any occasion.

Example 27:F12 said that:

[My husband] was narrow-minded.He complained that I always called him a double backward 'student' and always educated him.

Although I did not ask F12 directly about this aspect,the quote in Example 27 seems to imply that F12 ridiculed her husband in the home.The quote indicates that her husband was from a rural family but she was from an advanced intellectual family as described in Chapter 9.F12 received higher education earlier than her husband,and he only did this because of her pressure.She also had a strong economic position in relation to the home so that she bought airconditioners and a house,which made her husband jealous.This example may show that F12 might look down upon her husband whose position was lower than hers in the home and society because she called him a double backward 'student'.In F12's eyes,her husband seemingly needed to learn a lot because of being such a 'student'.

Through the brief analysis of Examples 23 to 27,we can see that the interviewees described jokes or nicknames as a verbal behaviour occurring between wives and husbands in the home.The majority of them accepted this behaviour although this behaviour might have some negative impacts on some of them.Examples from my interview sample suggest that husbands might be more likely to ridicule their wives both in the home and out of the home.We can see further that ridicule,as a form of negative communication occurs in any kind of family.No matter what educational backgrounds husbands have,they may be likely to ridicule their partners.Similarly,both intellectual wives (i.e.W1 &W8) and non-intellectual wives (i.e.F9 &W4) suffered this abuse from their husbands.

10.1.2　Ridicule experienced/used:as reported by the survey respondents

Both experience and usage of ridicule by the respondents,both female and male and with different educational backgrounds have also been shown in my questionnaire data.

Table 10.1.2 (a) looks at the gender pattern of ridicule in the home.

Table10.1.2 (a) 'At home do you suffer your spouse's ridicule?' (Q4) by gender of respondents:

From Table 10.1.2 (a),we can see firstly whether the couples reported that experienced ridicule at home.Among 230 respondents,over a third (n=91,39.6%) said that they experienced ridicule from their partners at home,while most (n=139,60.4%) did not experience such verbal behaviour.However,the survey data appears to contrast with the results of the interview data where the interviewees talked about such behaviour occurring frequently in the home but more women reported experiencing such behaviour that men did.

The proportion of the female respondents,in respect to 'yes including sometimes',is 31 per cent (39/126),while the proportion of the male respondents is much higher at 50 per cent (52/104).The latter is 19 percentage points higher than the former.It makes it apparent that husbands in my survey reported that they experienced such verbal behaviour more than their wives and wives appeared more likely to ridicule their husbands than the other way round.In this respect the survey data appears to differ from the interview data because the interviews indicated that husbands more often used ridicule,such as jokes/nicknames against their wives (see Examples 23 to 27).

The picture becomes more complex when educational background is taken into account.

Table10.1.2 (b) 'At home do you suffer your spouse's ridicule?' (Q4) by gender of respondents with different educational backgrounds:

From Table 10.1.2 (b),we can see that there is a significant difference in this experience between wives and husbands within the two groups.This difference may closely link to a gender issue.In respect to those with 'School education',47.4 per cent of the male respondents reported that they suffered 'ridicule' in the home,while only 15.8 per cent of the female respondents reported this.The proportion of the former is three times as more as the latter.With regard to those with 'College Education',50.6 per cent of the male respondents said that they experienced'ridicule' in the home,while 32.6 per cent of the female respondents said this.The male's proportion is 18 percentage points higher than the latter.These results in my survey seemingly imply that wives from the two groups may ridicule their partner more than husbands from both groups in the home.But again,this survey data differs from the interview data as shown in the above.Additionally,if we compare the group with 'College Education' to the group with 'School Education' ignoring gender,the respondents (40.9%;72/176) with 'College Education appear to suffer ridicule more than the respondents (31.6%;12/38) with 'School Education'.

However,moving on to look at public ridicule the gender pattern shifts.

Table10.1.2 (c) 'Do you like to ridicule your spouse in front of the public' (Q6) by gender of respondents:

From Table 10.1.2 (c),we can see firstly that most of the survey respondents(80.6%,187/232) did not ridicule their spouses publicly.However,one in five (19.4%,45/232) were likely to do so.There is a slight difference in such reported behaviour between wives and husbands,with 18.7 per cent of females,reporting using ridicule in respect to 'yes including sometimes',is,while the proportion of the males doing so is 20.2 per cent.It shows that husbands said that they displayed this behaviour publicly slightly more than their wives.By contrast,the interview data did not reveal that wives ridiculed their husbands publicly.For example,W1 said that her former husband made jokes at her expense on any occasions,both in the home and out of the home.F9 described that the jokes occurred in the home and among their best friends sometimes.H4 had practised ridicule against his wife in front of me.None of the husbands reported being ridiculed by their wives in public.

However,considering both gender and educational difference suggest that there was a difference between women according to educational background but almost no difference between men.

Table10.1.2 (d) 'Do you like to ridicule your spouse in front of the public' (Q6) by gender of respondents with different educational backgrounds:

Table 10.1.2 (d) shows that the male respondents (31.6%,6/19) with 'School Education' said that they were likely to ridicule their wives publicly,while none of the female respondents did so in this group.Both the female and male respondents with'College Education' said that they practised this behaviour publicly.The proportion of wives (22.7%,22/97) is 4.2 percentage points higher than that of husbands (18.5%,15/81).

Thus,a gender issue is reflected in the survey results.Firstly,there is a big gap between wives and husbands with 'School Education'.The female respondents said that they did not ridicule their husbands publicly,which may match the interview data.For example,W4 did not say anything when her husbands ridiculed her birthplace in front of me.F9 accepted being called 'lao' caitai by her husband.Secondly,there is a slight difference between wives and husbands with 'College Education'.The female respondents used this behaviour publicly more than their husbands,which may not match the interview data because in the interviews no matter what educational backgrounds these wives had,they were the main victims of ridicule from their husbands.Additionally,looking at the two groups,we can see that there is a slight difference in using this behaviour publicly between them.In respect to 'School Education',15.8 per cent of the respondents said that they did this,whereas with regard to 'College Education',20.8 per cent of the respondents reported this.The proportion of the latter is five percentage points higher than the former.

Through the analysis of both the interview and questionnaire data,we have found some apparent differences in ridicule used between wives and husbands,and between those with different educational backgrounds.How can we understand these differences? What role does this behaviour play in verbal communication between wives and husbands? Let us discuss them below.

10.1.3　Gender inequality in spousal ridicule

Through the analysis of both interview and questionnaire data,we can see that ridicule is used by some couples in the home,and that the majority of interviewees accepted this behaviour by their partners.Particularly in the questionnaire data,there was a signifi cant difference in suffering ridicule between wives (31%,39/126) and husbands (50%,52/104) in the home,as well as between wives (15.8%,3/19;32.6%,31/95) and husbands (47.4%,9/19;50.6%,41/81) with 'School and College Education' respectively,where husbands reported a greater use of ridicule by interviewees.There was,however,a slight difference in using ridicule publicly between wives (18.7%,24/128) and husbands (20.2%,21/104),where the husbands were more likely to use ridicule in public.However,wives with 'College Education' were more likely to use ridicule in public than women with 'School Education'.Why does this difference occur between wives and husbands,and according to different educational backgrounds among women?

My study cannot answer these questions fully,and there is a need for further investigation.However,as discussed in previous chapters,these differences may be caused by the traditional gender division of labour between women and men and the public/private divide.For many centuries,women as housewives served their husbands and children at home,while men as husbands worked outside for their families (Allan,1999;Gittins,1993).As explained in the previous chapters,the concept 'men outside but woman inside' continuously impacts on people's minds and is popular (Meng &Zhao,2003).Nearly half of the female and male respondents in one study of Guangzhou in China agreed with this concept (Li &Zuo,2004).

Because of this concept,wives,as discussed in Chapters 8 and 9,may see themselves as in a lower position in the home and society,and husbands may see themselves as superior to wives.Accordingly,women and men may therefore have different purposes in using ridicule to their partners both in the home and in public.Considering wives:they may use this behaviour – ridicule in the home or in public – to stimulate and push forward their husbands and help them get good jobs or salaries,and high status in society.Even if most wives also have jobs and some also have high social status in China,they may still want their husbands to be stronger than them in society because of the perception that men are a centre and the main breadwinners in the home.The existence and happiness of wives seem to be controlled by husbands (Wei,2007).They want to depend on their husbands.For example,W1^[7] who is an associate professor still wanted to depend on her husband.W1 tolerated abuse in relation to non-communication and ridicule from her former husband.So did W8 and F13^[8].Wives would like to support their husbands in the home by housework and other caring work because of dependence on them,which may have reflected in Chapters 8 and 9.

Paradoxically,because of dependence on their husbands,wives may pressurise their husbands,through 'ridicule' in the home or public in order to attain the goal that a 'wife takes a pride in her husband's achievements'.F12 in Example 27^[9] may be a good case in point because her background of education and status was higher than her husband.However,it may be that she ridiculed her husband at home in order to stimulate him to get achievement.She said that her husband found that,in her eyes,he was like a double backward 'student' and was often educated by her.This suggests that F12 hoped that her husband would also reach a high status in society and earn much money to fulfill a traditional husband's role even though she had had good salary and high social status.Her behaviour may represent the view that once the husband achieves high status,family life will be wonderful and the wife will be admired or respected by her relatives,friends and so on.As the old popular Chinese saying suggests,the husband has the highest rank and the wife takes a pride in it (fugui qirong).It is possible that this explains why some husbands suffered ridicule more than their wives in the survey.

Accordingly,this may reflect a feature of Chinese culture.People may like to cite the cases of others in support of their own claim and to do something not to themselves but to others,namely to their 'face' (Kuang,2007).For example,in order to push their husbands forward,some of wives in China may say to their husbands in the home:whose husband has been promoted,whose husband has moved to another nice Danwei,and whose husband has bought a house (Yi,2005).In order to promote their new future,they may like to praise husbands of their friends before their partners,which may make their husbands lose face and being shamed.This is dangerous for them because some problems may happen to them,as W8 described that she felt hurt and disdainful when suffering ridicule from her husband.She worried about the loss of love from her husbands.

As shown in my interview and survey data,intellectual wives may practise this behaviour more than non-intellectual wives.This is because they might firstly consider that they,as women,had attained the level that men usually did.They had a high degree and good jobs,because of which they might feel proud and conceited.On the other hand,they also accepted the traditional concept 'men outside but women inside' and hope to take a pride in husbands' achievements because they were educated since their childhood to hope for this.They might therefore want to display their husbands' achievements to others.As result,intellectual wives may have stronger vanity than non-intellectual wives.

In short,wives acknowledge and accept a gender difference between women and men.Achievement or success seems a duty for men and should come first in their lives as talked about by the male interviewees in Chapter 9.A man will not be seen as a successful person if he has no car,no house,no money and no power in China(Mi,2006).

Such a pressure in turn leads their husbands actually to believe that they have the superior ability naturally and throw themselves into competition.Husbands,under this pressure,may be more likely to look down on their wives once and if they become successful.They do not think that they succeeded because of their wives' support in the home.Accordingly,husbands may therefore use ridicule to their partners in the home or in public because of pride,underestimation of their wives value and a sense of power.For example,F12's husband,probably because of his wife's ridicule,also attained a high level of education and high status and became a head of the department,which meant that his position was higher than F12 in society.He therefore started to look down upon and betrayed his wife by having a third party relationship with another woman.As a result,F12 could not take a pride in her husband's achievements in relation to status and money but was a victim of domestic violence by her husband.In another example,W1 did housework in order to support her former husband,while working in the university.However her husband,when he achieved promotion in his work,forgot and neglected his wife's contribution and taunted her.F13^[10] closed her company in order to support her husband and to look after their children,but he divorced her when he made a great progress in his own business.

Because of a gender division of labour,men's work may be usually more valued economically and socially,whereas women's work seems be not valued,which may lead men to see themselves as having the right of speaking in the home and using ridicule with their wives.For example,W8 in Example 25 explicated that she did not like jokes/nicknames by her husband because these impacted on her self-respect and self-confidence.In particular,she thought that this behaviour by her husband indicated that there was a difference in family position between her and her husband where she might be inferior because she had no job.

By contrast,from other examples,we can see that some wives (i.e.W1 &F9) did not seem to mind this behaviour by their husbands.For example,the husband of F9 called her 'lao' caitai but not only 'caitai' while she said that was a joke.Her husband used the word 'old',which implied that he felt his wife to be getting older and she was not valued,or admired.As discussed in Chapter 3,women may be viewed like an object for others' viewing and admiration.Meanwhile F9 responded this 'lao' caitai with the words "'lao' caitai also had 'fl owers'",which seemed to imply that she as a woman might be an admired object for her husband although she was getting older.However,another way to understand the data suggests that F9's response might indicate that she actually minded the joke and experienced it as ridicule from her husband although she was finding a way to lessen its impact.W1 also minded potentially because she said that she was 'used to' this behaviour by her former husband,indicating merely tolerance of the behaviour.However,F9 and W1 did not express this directly.

Ridicule can be seen as 'power behaviour'.For example,some husbands in my survey ridiculed their wives publicly.This may have been because their position was higher in the home and society.Law in the past empowered men to have superiority and to exercise their power in the home and society (Luo,2006).As the old Chinese law stipulated,husbands could use violence on both wives and children,which supported men's patriarchal authority.According to Confucian ideology,husbands had the absolute power in the home.Behaviour of men/husbands may therefore manifest such superiority in reality,e.g.by ridiculing their wives publicly.For example,when I interviewed the couple (W4 &H4),H4 proudly emphasised that he came from the city but his wife came from a rural area.In front of me,he directly ridiculed his wife saying that she could not have a 'third party' relationship because she was from the rural area.He thought that he was superior to his wife and looked down on her through the ridicule.In particular,women,according to the rule of the three obediences,have to tolerate ridicule in order to safeguard their husbands' prestige.As the Chinese old saying indicates,the husband sings and the wife follows (fuchang fusui).W4 is a good case in point because she did not say anything against her husband when he ridiculed her.Examples 23 and 24 also show this.Such behaviour may be seen to reflect on men's power in relation to women.