9.2　Types of unhealthy communication

9.2　Types of unhealthy communication

According to the ideas conceptualised by the interviewees,healthy communication is very important for marriage and family.However,unhealthy communication actually occurs between wives and husbands as described in Section 9.1.The interviewees talked about some of these forms as negative communication and as'torture',as 'cold war',and therefore as forms of psychological abuse.What types of communication in relation to verbal/non-verbal behaviour are couples likely to use in the home? When I coded my interview data,I found that the respondents focused on two main types of unhealthy communication:non-communication and dirty language.

9.2.1　Non-communication

Through the above analysis of conceptualisation of types of communication,we can see that non-communication as,paradoxically,a type of communication itself appeared frequently in the interviewees' talk.Other interview data also reveals this phenomenon occurring between couples.

Example 11:W1 said that:

[My former husband] used psychological violence to hurt me.At home,he did not communicate or quarrel with me,and cold-shouldered me.He waged a 'cold' war to torture me.

Example 12:F2^[10] was thirty-four years old and completed Junior School.She was unemployed.She was suffering domestic violence and planned to divorce.She described her husband's psychological violence to her:

[My husband] slept if he did not work in daytime and watched TV if he went home in the evening.He did not talk at all to me ....We lived in the same house but ate separately.He also did not give me money.My little daughter and I became strangers to him.

Example 13:F7^[11] at the age of thirty-nine was an Associate Professor.She was divorced 11 years ago because of psychological violence.She told me her sad story:

[My marriage] was very miserable because of the 'cold' war waged by my former husband.He often got angry then did not communicate with me for a few days or even for a week.In our life,very minor matters would cause him to non-communicate with me.For example,the issue:putting spring onions first or last in dishes would make him angry.In other words,he would get angry if my cooking style was different from his.Importantly,each time I did not know why he got angry and what made him angry.He never told me his opinions or never complained directly to me.Each time,he did not talk to me and went to the study room if something happened between us....Moreover,when he was angry,I could not go out and had to tolerate his indifference.When he abused me non-verbally,I always said to myself:'please communicate with me even if a few words'.

From Examples 11 to 13,we can see again that husbands used noncommunication to abuse their wives although some of them emphasised the importance of communication between wives and husbands.W1 in Example 11 said that there was no talk or no quarrel between her and her former husband.She conceptualised this non-communication by her former husband as 'cold' war or psychological violence as did F7 in Example 13.F7 suffered long-term noncommunication from her former husband.Because of very minor matters,her former husband would not communicate with her for a few days or even for a week.In particular,F7 did not know why her former husband abused her nonverbally because he did not tell his opinions or complaints to her.F2 described specifically how her husband abused her non-verbally.In short,her husband used sleeping and watching television as tactics to avoid communication with her in the home.She said that her husband saw her and their daughter as strangers to him.

The interview data appears to indicate that wives may be the main victims in non-communication and that husbands used non-communication to abuse them.This result may match M1's explanation.It also suggests that non-communication used by husbands can control their wives.For example,F7 could not go out and had to tolerate his indifference when her former husband was angry.Moreover,she as a victim had to work out for herself what made him angry.

This unhealthy behaviour has also been reported in my questionnaire data.Table 9.2.1 looks at the gender pattern in communication.

Table 9.2.1　'How much do you communicate with your spouse (Q1)^[12]' by gender of respondents:

2　'A lot' includes 'much' and 'more'.'Much' (duo) is a positive word here and means 'most' according to Chinese.'More' (jiaoduo) is also a positive word but its degree is below 'much' according to Chinese.

3　'A little' includes 'less' and 'little'.'Less' (jiaoshao) is a passive word here and its degree is more than 'little' according to Chinese.'Little' (shao) is also a passive word here and means 'least',the degree of which is below 'less' according to Chinese.

From Table 9.2.1,we can see firstly how much wives and husbands say that they communicate with each other.Among 232 respondents,191 respondents (82.3%) said that they communicated with their spouses 'a lot' but 39 respondents (16.8%) communicated with their partners 'a little'.Two respondents (0.9%) said that they had zero verbal communication.In this survey,we can see that 17.7 per cent of the respondents,if the proportions of 'a little' and 'zero' are combined,might communicate less or zero with their partners.This survey may match the result of the interview data which showed that non-communication occurred between couples.

From this table,we can also see a slight difference in the reported degree of communication between the sexes.In respect to 'a lot',the proportions of both female and male respondents are very similar.The former is 82 per cent but the latter is 82.7 per cent.The proportion reported by the males is only 0.7 percentage points higher than the former.With regard to 'a little',the female proportion is 16.4 per cent,while the male proportion is 17.3 per cent.The latter is only 0.9 percentage points higher than the former.However,if looking at the Pie Charts,we can see that there may be a significant difference in such behaviour between wives and husbands.

Pie Charts 9.2.1 (a) and (b) examine the gender pattern in communication slightly differently.

Pie Chart 9.2.1 (a):How much do you communicate with your spouse? by female respondents

Pie Chart 9.2.1 (b):How much do you communicate with your spouse ? by male respondents

From Pie Charts 9.2.1 (a) and (b),it might appear that there is a difference in the five choices between the female and male respondents.Firstly,the proportion of the females,in respect to 'much',is 32 per cent,while the proportion of the males is 26 per cent.The former is six percentage points higher than the latter.However,in regard to 'more',the proportion of the males (56.7%) is higher than the females' (50%).The male proportion is 6.7 percentage points higher than the female.Regarding 'less',the proportion of the females is 10.9 per cent,while the proportion of the males is 5.8 per cent.The former is thus twice as high as the latter.Regarding 'little',the proportion of the males (11.5%) is twice as high as the females (5.5%).Regarding 'zero',only female respondents chose it.The proportion is 1.6 per cent.

Through the analysis of this pie chart,wives in this survey may practice communication more positively than their husbands according to the data 'much' and 'less'.This result may also match the result of the interview data (See Examples 7,8,9,10).Why is there a difference in non-communication between wives and husbands in the home?

9.2.1.1　　Gender inequality in spousal non-communication

In contrast to the survey,the analysis of the interview data suggests that noncommunication may be a prominent issue between wives and husbands.The interviews suggest that husbands used this behaviour frequently to torture their wives.As suggested in the previous studies,non-communication as a form of psychological violence is quite widespread in marital life.This may be influenced by the Chinese legal context.In 2001,Chinese Marriage Law firstly stipulated:Domestic violence shall be prohibited (p.4),which signifi es that perpetrators who violate their partners may be punished by the law.Any agencies or organizations can intervene in domestic violence.Perpetrators therefore may fear that they will be punished by the law if they batter their partners,which is visible and will leave scars on victims' body.Accordingly,they may usually choose hidden violent behaviours such as non-communication,swearing,and so on to abuse their partners as M1 said,husbands like to use non-communication to abuse their wives.These behaviours,as forms of psychological violence,will not leave scars on victim's body but on the victim's psychology which is difficult to identify.Significantly,there was no definition of psychological violence in the 2001 China Marriage Law.This phenomenon as I have demonstrated occurs prominently between wives and husbands.

According to the analysis of both interview and questionnaire data,we can see that wives may communicate positively with their husbands.In other words,wives may be the main victims of non-communication by their husbands.But why is this difference between them? Firstly,women's position is lower than men's in the home and society.As discussed in Chapter 3,gender inequality occurs socially and culturally between girls/women and boys/men.Girls/Women will be seen as nonmembers of their birth family because they may leave their parents' families to marry,which means that they will be members of other families.In China there is an old saying:a married daughter is similar to pouring water (jiachu de nü΄er,puochu de shui).

As discussed in the Literature Review,girls/women have been educated to be obedient towards the elder and husbands during the period of their growth,according to Confucian ideology.Although this is criticised nowadays,it may still be a traditional core to the people's attitude (Croll,1995;Hershatter,2007;Pan,1987).Women are taught that they need to avoid arguments with their husbands,or they will be seen as shrewish women.Boys/Men are taught that they need to be brave and to learn dealing with inside and outside matters and to train the ability of control.For this reason,wives try to communicate with their husbands positively although they suffer harms from them,while husbands may communicate with their wives passively or negatively because they believe they are superior and hold power over their wives (See Section 9.1).

Secondly,women may be more focused on the family as the major part of their life.As H1^[13] said,'wives considered their families first but their work second.But husbands normally pay attention to their work more than to their families'.The opinion of H1 on this is also reflected in Examples 6 and 10.These two examples may imply their work is first for men because M1 and H8 said that husbands are too busy or tired for their work to communicate with their wives,which means that they believe they suffered social pressure.Why is there a difference attitude towards family between wives and husbands? Such a difference,through the theory of gender,may be caused by the division of labour and marital culture:women may be more afraid of the failure of their marriage and divorce than men.

As Connell (2002) suggests,while researching gender we must be prepared to travel both intellectually and culturally in order to understand it well because this topic is a large theme.Researchers cannot overlook the traditional culture when they analyse such a difference.For one thing,Confucian familiar norms are still rooted in peoples mind:men 'outside' but women 'inside' (nanzhuwai,nüzhunei)(Meng &Zhao,2003).We have seen the figures about the gender division of labour in China as provided in Chapter 3.Nearly half of the female (49.7%) and male(51.8%) respondents in Li's (2001) research agreed with this concept.This concept'men outside but women inside' is also reflected in retirement.Women do not enjoy the right of the same retirement age in comparison with men (Hershatter,2007;Leng,2003).For men (60 years old),the retirement age is higher than for women(55 years old).Within the context of the economic reform,women may be again the first to be affected in labour market,which may be shown in the backgrounds of my interviewees.They are considered first to be laid off in comparison to men (See the examples in Chapter 3).This is also a wage gap between men and women.Because of historical and social factors,men's work may be more valued economically and socially,by contrast women's work usually seems to be not valued.The unequal division of labour empowers men to dominate women,apparently legitimately.Men seem to be the main breadwinners at home so that they may be respected or important by their family members,particularly by their wives.Husbands therefore practise communication passively with their wives.

According to the interview data,we can see that Chinese wives,due to the Chinese traditional culture,may be dependent on their families,mainly on their husbands,although they may have good jobs or salaries.As is said in a Chinese old saying,your marrying with a man means clothes and food (jiahan jiahan,chuanyi chifan) (Chen,1995).This saying indicates that women's reasons for marriage seem to be commercial and material.Under this influence,wives may also think that their happy marriage and family life should depend on husbands.They therefore seem to accept that gender inequality occurs between women and men,and that men should be breadwinners and control in the home.

For example,F13^[14] closed her private company in order to look after her children and husband.Her behaviour indicates that women would be prepared to give up all in order to love,and long for a happy family (Sun,2006).She practised the concept 'men outside but women inside' (Meng &Zhao,2003).However,she was abandoned finally by her husband although she chose dependence on her husband for the sake of their family.Also W8 had no job,although she had a high educational degree,and depended on her husband who had power outside and in the home.Thus she was afraid of losing love from her husband and suffered from the non-communication used by him.

Within the context of the traditional culture,for their marriage and family,particularly for their children,wives usually tolerate their husbands when they use unhealthy communication to abuse them.My interview data is similar to Tong's(2000) data.Wives preferred toleration of domestic violence to divorce.For marriage and family as well as children,they sacrifice their own happiness.As W4^[15] said,'I,although felt unhappy at my marriage,I had to maintain the relationship between my husband and myself for the happiness of our son who was only five years old'.W1 also said that she had to keep the relationship with her former husband although there was no love in their marriage,because the family was not a family without a husband.W1 still wanted to depend on her former husband although she was an associate professor.Moreover,these wives who experienced non-communication always blamed themselves and asked whether their behaviour made their husbands angry and communicate less with them (See W8 &F7 narrations).Apparently,they considered themselves as inferior to their husbands.

Also,wives tolerate unhealthy communication – non-communication by their husbands because they may worry about their family becoming broken.They are as wives/mothers inferior to husbands/fathers.In China it is generally said that wives have difficultly in remarrying if they divorce because few men would like to marry with such wives who had been wives before,while men may quite easily remarry if they divorce because some women would like to marry with such husbands who had the experience of marriage.F7 may be a case in point because she did not remarry after her divorce for 11 years.She told me that few men who wanted to make a love relationship with her could accept she had been married.As defined in Chapter 3,a woman (a bride) becomes a married woman/wife because of her man/husband (Deng&Xu,2001).A woman,who divorced,by the old concept,was occupied sexually by her former husband or had the sexual relationship with their husbands so that she was not a 'pure' woman.However,this concept did not apply to men.Accordingly,we may see that the value of married women is lower than that of married men.Women/ wives actively communicate with their husbands in order to maintain the marriage and family because men are seen as superior to women in marriage,while husbands,owing to their superiority,passively communicate with their wives in the home.

Such non-communication actually symbolises a power that men/husbands have,so that they can occupy a leading position in conversation with their wives.For example,M1 in Example 6 said that some husbands did not want to talk with their wives in order to avoid the quarrel between them,which might be their pretext,because the female respondents said that husbands would communicate with their wives if they wanted to.For example,H1 said that he chose to work away from home in order to avoid arguments or conflicts with his wife most years.His behaviour might be very hidden and powerful because he punished his wife for disagreeing with him,by staying away but she could not complain as he had an apparently good reason:he was busy at work and the 'real' breadwinner at home.

Such non-communication behaviour represents a power that allows husbands to control their wives.For example,the former husband of F7 wanted his wife to be absolutely obedient.He punished her for a long time with non-communication,or by not eating the foods she cooked,if his wife did not agree with him or there was a conflict between them.His behaviour indicates that he considered that his wife should be subordinate to him and should not have another opinion differing from his.F7 could not go out during the period when her former husband was being angry.If she did,she would suffer severe non-communication by her former husband.His behaviour is an epitome of patriarchy.

Such behaviour also reveals that husbands look down on their wives.For example,the former husband of W1 had a strong awareness of being the ruler.He thought that he was the 'top' because he ran the university,which meant that he had ability and power.Therefore,he looked down on his wife and tortured her with non-communication and indifference.At home,he did what he wanted to do,i.e.he did not communicate with and did not care about the emotions of his wife.He considered that he had power and high status both outside and in the home.

Through the analysis of the difference in non-communication by wives and husbands,we can see that a gender difference may influence such behaviour.Wives and husbands respectively communicated positively and passively with each other because their behaviour is socially constructed and they are differently situated socially.Husbands are socially situated as men but wives are constructed and situated as women,i.e.husbands/men as dominant but wives/women as subordinate(Hanmer et al.,2000;Hearn,1998).Specifically,men may have stronger power than women in domestic communication because according to the Confucius ideology:men are superior to women.The concept causes the difference in noncommunication between women and men,which is constructed socially and historically but not biologically (Li,2001;Peterson et al.,1993).

9.2.2　Dirty language

Some academics point out,verbal abuse,e.g.dirty language is an enemy in marriage(Wei,2005).Dirty language as a form of verbal abuse may be used in a conflict between wives and husbands.As discussed in Chapter 4,Hughes (1991) and Tu (2005) argue that swearing consists of two distinct types.One is pure and simple obscenity,including more or less stereotyped references to the female sex organs.Another is termed 'bad language',concerned chiefly with references to the backside and to excrement.In short,many commentators have noted that more words are available to insult women than men and there can be particular use of swearing or dirty language dealing with women's bodies (Cameron,1992).Within the context of China,dirty language is linked not only with sexual organs but also to vulgar or coarse language.Chinese people call such language 'Zanghua' (Dirty language) or 'Chouhua'(Vulgar language).

According to the previous studies,if women use verbal abuse,they will be regarded as 'not nice' and their reputation may be destroyed (Goddard&Patterson,2000).Selnow (1985),by investigating gender difference and language,found that respondents reported that their fathers swore more than their mothers.This difference in swearing use between the two sexes is a key contributor to psychological violence in the home.Victims (usually women/ wives) will be very angry and upset when suffering dirty language from their partners (Nie,2003).

When I coded the interview data,I found that the respondents talked about their experiences of verbal violence focused mainly on dirty language as a form of psychological violence.In the interviews,the respondents described specifically how they experienced dirty language by their partners and how this verbal abuse impacted on them.

Example 14:W4 at the age of thirty-three finished her Junior School education.She came from the countryside and was married to her husband who was from the city.She and her husband managed their family grocery.In her seven-yearmarriage,she experienced domestic violence.Her story was as follows:

[My marriage] was unhappy.I had to maintain the relationship between my husband and me for the happiness of our son who was only five years old.After we married we always quarreled,during which my husband not only battered me but also cursed me.He liked to use verbal abuse to hurt me.Such verbal abuse used by him involved dirty or scurrilous language.I felt very angry and ashamed because I came from an intellectual family and my parents who were teachers taught that a person using dirty language was immoral and without self-control.Therefore,I did not know how to use dirty language from childhoodtill adulthood.His behaviour hurt me severely ...

H4^[16] at the age of thirty-four also finished his Junior School education.He was a perpetrator but what he said is below:

[My wife] came from the rural area^[17] but I came from the urban area.Our marriage was based on these different backgrounds.We had our quarrel because of money,namely because of our life.I was the only son in my parents' family.In particular,at the age of fifteen I substituted for my dad and worked in a factory because he suffered an injury at work.Therefore,I settled either minor or big domestic matters in our family.My sister especially admired me.I had a sense of duty to the family.In the past,men or husbands were breadwinners in China so that women or wives needed to be subordinate to them.Of course,that has changed because women and men all have jobs now....

From Example 14,we can see simply that W4 was not satisfied in her marriage because there was continuous quarrelling between her and her husband.According to H4,we can see that they quarrelled because of 'money'.This issue may be linked to 'family duty' as discussed in Chapter 8.Couples over the age of thirty may concentrate more on 'family duty' because their children are small and they need to earn money to maintain their family.

From this example,we can see further that there may be a difference in family position and power between H4 and W4 because their marriage is a 'conditional' one.W4 came from the rural area but H4 was from the urban area.As the above elaborated,there is a big gap between cities and countryside within the context of China (Wang,2002),which may differ from the West.The condition of cities is much better than that of the rural area.People in the rural area therefore may look forward to urban life and grasp all opportunities,e.g.the use of marriage to move into the cities,which may lead to people from the rural area being looked down upon.The first two sentences of H4 reveal that he looked down upon his wife and had more power than his wife,which led his wife to be subordinate to him and to suffer physical and verbal violence in their quarrels.

From this example,we can also see that their family background was different.W4 came from an intellectual family but H4 was from a worker's family.With regard to 'dirty language',W4 did not swear at her husband because she was taught by her parents that a person using dirty language was immoral and without selfcontrol,whereas H4 who grew up in the city swore at his wife.Accordingly,this example shows that the different family background as well as gender may influence the different attitude to use dirty language and using such verbal abuse may not be linked to a difference between the 'urban' and the 'rural' areas.

This example mainly reveals that there may be a gender difference in behaviour between H4 and W4.H4 emphasised that he was the only son for his parents' family.As elaborated in Chapter 3,he,as a son,was a centre in a family because he managed the domestic matters.His parents depended on him and his sister admired him.His words implied that he had power in the family so that he would control all,including family members,e.g.his wife.There was contradiction between his words and behaviour.He abused his wife verbally although he said he recognised the change of gender relations.The concept 'men are superior to women' still impacted on his ideas and behaviour in the home.He did not care his wife's emotions in relation to anger and ashamed when she faced his verbal abuse.

Example 15:W6 said that:

[My former husband] was hot-tempered.If there was a quarrel between us,he always shouted at and cursed me because he knew that I feared our neighbours hearing it so that I had to be silent.The more I felt afraid,the more loudly he shouted and swore.In addition,in front of our son,he said that 'I was a stepmother',which made me feel very sad.He used verbal violence as a selfish behaviour to control me.I could not tolerate his behaviour.

From Example 15,we can see that W6 was a victim of verbal abuse.As described in Example 8,the quarrel between her and her former husband was because of their son.In their quarrel,her former husband always used cursing and dirty language as a communication form to abuse her.From her narration,we can see that there was a gender issue between them.Her former husband as a man had a very strong desire for power because the more W6 felt afraid,the more loudly he shouted and swore.He knew his behaviour would control his wife because she would not like neighbours to hear this so that she had to be silent.In particular,her former husband used the term 'a stepmother' to curse her,which made her very sad.Within the Chinese culture,'a stepmother' is usually seen as a fierce,cruel,and callous woman,so no women would like to be regarded as a stepmother who may be blamed or ridiculed.Her former husband referred to her as a 'stepmother' to attach his wife's image before their son.From this example,we can see that the former husband hurt his wife verbally as much as he could.But W6 considered this abuse to her resulted in from hot-temperament and did not consider it was due to gender difference.Because of this,he could abuse her because he had power over her.

Example 16:F4^[18] was forty years old and an Associate Professor.She divorced her husband because of domestic violence.She said that she had a miserable marriage with her husband for 16 years,during which she suffered both physical and psychological violence.She said that:

[Another] violent behaviour used by my husband was verbal abuse to me.Such behaviour was not appropriate for his educational background.He always cursed me when we quarrelled with each other.At the beginning,I felt so ashamed that I shut the door and the windows.However,experiencing long-term verbal abuse,I became numb or insensitive and tolerated his abuse no matter how he did.He often said that 'I attracted men when I went out' and 'he did not mind if I slept with another'.He also said that 'his battering and swearing at me was for love'.In particular,he expressed that 'he loved me so much that he did not beat me enough to send me to the hospital'.His verbal abuse damaged my personality.

From Example 16,we can see that F4 would suffer verbal (as well as physical) abuse by her former husband if there was a quarrel between her and her former husband.She also had the same experience as W6.She felt so ashamed that she shut the door and the windows when facing dirty language by her former husband.However,she finally became numb and tolerated his verbal abuse no matter what he did because of her long-term experience of verbal abuse.Her behaviour reveals that she felt she had to face this passively because she was a woman/wife.She provided the specific abusive words by her former husband,from which we can see that her former husband as a man did not respect his wife and used such scurrilous words to abuse her.The concept 'men are superior to women' is rooted in his mind because he did not repent of his behaviour to his former wife but said that his battering and swearing at F4 was for love and that he loved her so much that he did not beat her enough to send her to the hospital.These words severely humiliated F4.At the same time,F4 in this example suggested that the verbal behaviour by her former husband was not appropriate for his educational background.Her view may imply that husbands will not abuse their partner verbally if they are at a high educational level.She like W6 also did not see this behaviour as linked to gender inequality.

Example 17:F2^[19] was thirty-four years old and completed Junior School.She was unemployed.She was suffering domestic violence and planned to divorce.She was abused verbally not only by her husband but also by another woman (third party) her husband loved.Her story was as follows:

[My husband] abused me with dirty language,which made me angry.He often said that'he did not mind if a man would like to sleep with me' and 'he wanted to look for another man for me' ...I am a person but not an animal ...I wanted to divorce him.In addition,the second lover of my husband rang me to curse.She said that 'I was shameless to stay in the relationship with my husband because he did not love me'．

From Example 17,we can see that F2 suffered dirty language by her husband.These abusive words by her husband are similar to the words by the husband of F4.These abusive words reveal that her husband looked down upon her and did not respect her.Her husband considered that women are inferior to men.F2 strongly expressed that she was a person,not an animal,which implies that his behaviour in marriage should follow the law.From this example,we can see that her husband did not repent of his illegal behaviour because he had a third party relationship.Through his abusive words,we may infer that he wanted his wife to sleep with another man then he could divorce her because of her fault.This example also showed that another woman as a third party of her husband abused F2 verbally,too.This woman did not repent of her illegal behaviour and hurt F2.

Example 18:F8^[20] was sixty-two years old and had completed Senior School.She was retired and a victim of domestic violence.Her marriage started in the special time –the Cultural Revolution- when family status e.g.worker family or capitalist family was emphasised.Generations and generations of a family would be forever situated as 'capitalist' in status if elders,e.g.the grandfather,came from a landowner or capitalist's family labelled as an 'exploitation family'.People coming from a worker's or peasant's family were considered to be better,and more likely to love the Chinese Communist Party and China.Therefore,F8 looked forward to marrying to a man who came from a worker's or peasant's family because she came from an 'exploitation family'.She told her story as follows:

[After marriage],the relationship between my husband and me was so-so because he had many bad habits e.g,swearing.We lived together reluctantly ....In particular,the contradiction occurred most noticeably between us when I was nearly 50 years old and at the change of life.My doctor suggested that I needed to pay attention to the sexual activity and prevent pregnancy,which would not be good for my health.After telling my husband,he did not believe the doctor and ignored the advice.Therefore,he forced me to have sexual activity when he wanted to or even in my period.He battered and swore at me if I did not agree with him.He used the most scurrilous attacks to humiliate me.Such dirty language all concerned women's genitals.

From Example 18,we can see that F8 experienced dirty language from her husband from the beginning marriage of her marriage.There was poor quality in marriage and family between her and her husband.In particular,from this example,it seems that the abuse became worse when she got older.We can see that she also suffered sexual violence.Through battery and swearing,her husband forced her to have sexual activity.She said that dirty language used by her husband concerned women's genitals.Her husband did not respect her.Through verbal and sexual behaviour/power he controlled his wife.

In addition,this example also reveals a phenomenon similar to Example 14.F8's marriage with her husband is also a 'conditional' marriage.She chose him within the context of the special politics in China (the Cultural Revolution).Thus they came from the different family backgrounds.F8 was born in an 'exploitation family' called a 'Non-revolutionary Family',while her husband was born in a 'worker's family',called a 'Revolutionary Family'.She thought that there was a gap between them because of the different family backgrounds.For example,she criticised her husband's having many bad habits,e.g.swearing.The different family backgrounds might cause a contradiction between them.Conditional marriage may lead to an unhappy marriage to couples.

Example 19:F12^[21] was fifty-one years old and an Associate Professor.She had separated from her husband because of domestic violence perpetrated by him.She married her husband in the special time when it was a source of pride to come from a worker's or peasant's family.Therefore,coming from an intellectual family,she married her husband from a peasant's family.There were no common words and interests between them.She said that:

[In] our 24-year-marriage,my husband always sought some reason to quarrel concerning money ...He cursed me more seriously since having his third party relationship seven or eight years ago.He often quarreled on and on,in particular in front of our son and battered him....His purpose was to force me to divorce.He used injurious words to abuse me.For example,in front of me,he mentioned his lover (third party) openly and directly.He flaunted that 'his lover knitted a sweater for him' and proudly said that 'people liked to look at him when he walked on the streets'.He also used coarse words and said that 'no matter how much women were liberated,men were above women in sexual activity,while women were still under men'．

From Example 19,we can see that there was quarrel often between F12 and her husband in their 24-year-marriage.Their quarrel was linked to 'money',which is similar to Example 14.From this example,we can see that the husband of F12 used dirty language to abuse his wife since having his third party relationship seven or eight years ago,from which we may infer that F12 also suffered from a long-term experience of dirty language by her husband.Her husband abused both her and their son.She recognised why her husband severely abused her because he wanted to force her to divorce.This example also showed that her husband used specific abusive words to hurt and humiliate her.He was not ashamed that he had a third party but used his third party relationship to insult his wife.In particular,the concept 'men superior to women' is rooted in his mind.As discussed in Chapter 3,the concept of marriage 'a woman (a bride) who became a married woman because of her husband' (Deng&Xu,2001) is also rooted in his mind.He therefore used these words 'no matter how much women were liberated,men were above women in sexual activity,while women were still under men' to humiliate his wife.This reveals that he looked down upon women and did not respect them.

This example also reveals a phenomenon similarly to Examples 14 and 16.The marriage of F12 and her husband is a 'conditional' marriage,too.She chose her husband in order to get a title a 'Revolutionary Family.She came from an intellectual family,while her husband came from a peasant's family.Like F12,she said that they quarreled because of their different educational backgrounds.

In short,through the analysis of these examples,we can see that there is gender difference in dirty language between wives and husbands.Wives are the main victims in this behaviour.This verbal abuse by husbands impacts severely on wives who have very strong emotions in relation to anger,sadness,being ashamed,etc.This behaviour also reveals that husbands look down upon their wives/women and do not respect them.In addition,we can also see that some of examples reveal that there is a phenomenon of 'conditional' marriage occurring between some wives and husbands,which may impact on their marriage,and that gender issues may be made cause by social differences.

Gender difference in dirty language is also reflected in the questionnaire data.Table 9.2.2 looks at gender patterns in the used dirty language.

Table 9.2.2 'When there is a conflict between you and your spouse,do you like to use dirty language?' (Q15) by gender of respondents:

From Table 9.2.2,we can see generally that there is a significant difference between the female and male respondents in their preference for using dirty language.In respect to 'yes (including sometimes)',the proportion of females is 18.1 per cent,while the proportion of males is more than twice as much,at 46.5 per cent.While with regard to 'no',the majority of the female respondents (81.9%) answered that they did not like to use such behaviour,compared to half of the male respondents (53.5%).

Graphs 9.2.2 (a) and (b) provide more detail results on dirty language by gender.

Graph 9.2.2 (a):When there is a conflict between you and your spouse,do you like to use dirty language by female respondents

Graph 9.2.2 (b):When there is a conflict between you and your spouse,do you like to use dirty language by male respondents

From Graphs 9.2.2 (a) and (b),we can see again that there is a significant difference in the three choices between the female and male respondents.In respect to 'yes',the proportion of females is 1.6 per cent,while the proportion of males is 6.9 per cent.The latter is 5.3 percentage points higher than the former.In regard to'sometimes',the proportion of females is 16.5 per cent,whereas that of males is 39.6 per cent.The latter is more than twice as high as the former.

Through looking at the questionnaire data,we can see that these results match the interview data because wives are the main victims in dirty language and a gender difference between wives and husbands.But why is there a difference in this verbal abuse between couples?

9.2.2.1　　Gender inequality in spousal dirty language

As elaborated in Chapter 4,'language itself is a tool of oppression' (Eckert and McConnell-Ginet,2003:1).Linguistic suppression is often 'a purposeful male activity' (Cameron,1992:145).Men control language because they created it(Spender,1985).This means that men have built social arrangements to privilege themselves,while women had no past,no history and no religion of their own (deBeauvior,1993) and as well as no language.As a result,men have a higher status than women,which helps to create issues of gender and power.

As far as dirty language is concerned,why do men/husbands use it more than their women/wives? This difference may be explained by power,position,and culture.A difference in behaviour between men and women,as feminists suggest,may be related to differences in power (Cameron,1992).Swearing or dirty language used by men is a case in point.From the qualitative interview data,we can see that the perpetrators (husbands) swore at their wives in order to control them because they are men,husbands and fathers and therefore dominant in the family (Hanmer et al.,2000).In domestic conflicts,the husband of W6 shouted and swore at her so that she had to stop her argument with her husband and was silent because she feared their neighbors hearing it.The husband of F8 swore at her in order to force her into a sexual activity.The husband of F4 used dirty language to abuse her and to shame her so that she shut the door and windows.Because women had long been oppressed by 'Confucian society',they seem to have become used to this oppression.Although from the period of the New Culture (1919) to the People's Republic of China (PRC) (since 1949),gender equality has been continuously struggled for(Hershatter,2007).However,this issue is still not eliminated today in society as shown in the interview and questionnaire data.Dirty language by husbands can be seen as a symbol of power for them.

As Coward (1983) points out,such power represents a patriarchal authority,namely a model of power as interpersonal domination,a model of power over all women.For example,the purpose of the use of dirty language by husbands indicates that they want to dominate their wives and manifest their power in the home.The female interviewees expressed that their action,facing dirty language by their husbands,was reflected firstly in shutting the windows and doors then being silent and tolerating of their behaviour.As a result,husbands conquered their wives and strengthened their position/patriarchy in the home.As narrated in Example 15,the former husband of W6 knew that she feared her neighbours hearing his shouting and swearing when they had a quarrel.Therefore,the more she felt afraid,the more loudly he shouted and swore,in which case she had to stop the quarrel and to be silent.She thought that he used verbal violence as a selfish behaviour to control her.As F4 said,she became numb or insensitive no matter what her former husband did because of experiencing long-term verbal abuse,which means that she tolerated this abuse.Their responses to dirty language by their husbands were passive because their position constructed by society and culture is lower than husbands.Women may need to practise their behaviour in the home by Confucian norms such as 'the three obediences'.Apparently,their passive responses help husbands to conquer their wives verbally and to strengthen their position/patriarchy in the home through dirty language.

Secondly,this difference may be caused by traditional culture.Confucian ideology that promoted gender inequality was popular for centuries,and is still rooted in people's minds.In the family,the accepted image of the wife is expected to be gentle and devoted,which will be praised by her husband and in-laws and admired by her neighbours and friends or colleagues of her husband.Such a gentle and devoted image means that she will follow her husband and should not argue with her husband.For example,the husband of F4,when they were newly married,swore and battered his wife on the street because they had a different opinion about buying a TV set.In his eyes,his wife was not gentle so that he punished her verbally and physically.Because of his power,his wife stopped her argument and did what he wanted.She even considered that her former husband had the manly nature due to his use of his power over her.

Within this context,girls/women usually cannot use dirty language because when they are growing up,they are disciplined that nice girls do not swear and they may forfeit their good reputations if they swear (Goddard &Patterson,2000).However,boys/men may be seen as 'real' men if they swear,as F4 considered.A gender difference occurs in this verbal abuse because of culture and society.Even if women may know them,they do not tend to use swear or curse words in the same context or with the same frequency as men (Thorne &Henley,1975).For example,W4 said that she had never since childhood used dirty language because her parents who were teachers taught that a person using dirty language was immoral and without self-control.So,she did not know how to respond to this violence and tolerated it.From the interview data,we can see the response of the females to dirty language by shutting windows and doors,silence,which means that they were shamed by it but not by swearing,although the questionnaire data indicated that 18.1 per cent of the female respondents(23/127) often or sometimes used this verbal abuse to their husbands in conflict.In addition,many commentators have noted that more swearing words are available to insult women than men (because men use such words frequently) because swearing or dirty language deals with women's bodies (Cameron,1992).The interview examples have shown this in fact.In short,women/ wives,because of the traditional culture,might be likely to use this verbal behaviour less than men/husbands.

Finally,this difference may be caused by the different position in the home and society between wives and husbands,which is produced by society,culture and history.As the above elaborated,men are regarded as superior to women in the home and in society,which allows them to control and look down upon women.Specifically,the interview data can reveal this superiority of men.For example,husbands were likely to use the specific abusive language to hurt their wives,which showed the superiority of their position and power in the home.W6 in Example 8 said that a conflict concerning educating their son often occurred between them.Each time her former husband abused her and called her a 'stepmother' in front of their son because she was strict with their son,although she was his biological mother.She said that her husband used such words to abuse and hurt her.With this means,her husband controlled her so that she had to stop the quarrel because of the image (a good mother) she would be presenting to her son.Thus her former husband maintained his position in the home.

From the interview data,we can see further that husbands,as men,are likely to abuse and control their wives in another condition.For example,H4 believed he was an urban person so that he held power over his wife because she,as a rural person,needed to depend on him.He did what he wanted,i.e.he swore his wife.Husbands of F8 and F12 considered that they came from a'Revolutionary Family' so that they could abuse verbally to their wives who came from a 'Non-revolutionary Family'.Their behaviour seemed to educate their wives.Because of their good family backgrounds as welll as their gender,they considered that they were superior to their wives so that they could do what they wanted.

From the interview data,we can also see that the abusive husbands showed that looked down upon their wives and did not respect them by using these bad words.For example,the former husband of F4 often insulted her by saying that she:'attracted men when she went out' and 'He didn't mind if I slept with another man'.Seemingly,the husband of F2 said:'He did not mind if a man would like to sleep with me' and 'He wanted to look for another man for me'.In particular,he had a third party relationship but insulted his wife by these words.The husband of F12 humiliated her:'No matter how much women are liberated,men were above women in sexual activity,while women were still under men'.He also had a third party relationship.Such words cause sexual humiliation to women/ wives.From such behaviour and dirty words,we may infer that men see women as sexual objects.Accordingly,we can see that these dirty words imply that men are superior to women in the home.They used such words to abuse their wives as possible as they could.The husbands did not consider the feelings of their wives,while the wives suffered such abuse and were insulted by their partner.The wives seemed not to be persons but an object in their husbands' eyes.Their personality was destroyed by the dirty language of their partners.Under this humiliation,husbands usually say that swearing at their wives is for love as the husband of F4 in Example 16.

As Jackson (1999) has said,love/marriage may be seen as making women vulnerable,not just to exploitation,but to being hurt by men.The husband of F2 in Example 17 showed that he saw his wife as an object because he claimed to be looking for another man for his wife.As F2 said,her husband abandoned her and their daughter as if he was merely renouncing old clothes.The words of F12's husband of in Example 19 indicate that he strongly looked down upon women/ wives and had obvious sense of superiority in marriage.His idea exemplifies men's sexual psychology in marriage,which means that they seek women as partners more easily than women.At the same time,we may see that some of these husbands wanted to use words about sex to attain their purpose of divorce,which reflected their power in the home.