8.1 A base of marriage and family
8.1 A base of marriage and family
8.1.1 Mutual understanding
Before the quotes from my interviews are presented and discussed it is important to think about what is 'understanding','mutual' and 'mutual understanding'.According to the Penguin dictionary (Allen,2001),we can learn that 'understanding' as a noun means a mental grasp or comprehension,but as an adjective it means tolerant or sympathetic.'Mutual' as an adjective relates to two or more people,or groups having the same specified feeling for each other,or something shared by two or more people,or groups in common.Accordingly,we can learn that 'mutual understanding' as a phrase means that two or more people can understand and tolerate each other.Such 'mutual understanding' implies support.'Mutual understanding' among people will play a role in every aspect in relation to work,study,and life.Without'mutual understanding',there may be contradiction,conflict,and violence between individuals,or between countries.Specifically without 'mutual understanding' in marriage and family,domestic violence may occur in the home,particularly between wives and husbands.This will be reflected in my later data.In relation to this,some of my interviewees' thoughts are as follows:
Example 1:M6[2] was sixty years old and had a high level of education.He was an advanced cadre but retired.He told his story as follows:
[Understanding] between wives and husbands is an important base for happy marriage and family.I remember that in our early marriage (during the Cultural Revolution) my wife felt unhappy sometimes because I was so busy with the work that I could not do housework,e.g.looking after my children and accompanying my wife.In particular when my wife gave birth to our second child,I could not accompany her to the hospital.At such a special time when my wife was unhappy,I always explained and comforted her patiently.Usually,I used humour to settle the conflict between us.In addition,I tried to do housework when I could.I knew that I could not achieve in my work if my wife didn't manage our housework.Therefore,she understood and supported me.
Example 2:F9[3] was forty-eight years old and retired.She graduated from Junior School.She had been happily married to her husband for over 20 years,and felt that:
[The base] of a happy marriage and family is built on couple's understanding,respecting and treating each other well.My husband and I were married for more than 20 years.We,including our son,had a harmonious family.My husband never battered me when a quarrel occurred between us.This was because we knew that battery would not settle the conflict but make it worse.Such violence used by one would hurt the other.In addition,my husband was laid off[4].According to the Chinese special context,the government asked workers at a certain age to leave the factories and go back home.I knew that my husband was weak in psychological endurance.Therefore,I understood his real feelings and comforted him.I said that I had my pension which was enough to support our living.Losing his job was not his fault.Because of my understanding,my husband tried to look for a job again.
Example 3:W7[5] at the age of forty-seven had completed Senior School and was retired.She and her husband lived happily although they had no child (they wanted one).In respect to a happy family,she said:
[A base] of happy marriage and family should be built on mutual consideration and understanding between wives and husbands.For example,I always communicated with and comforted him if he faced some issues at his work.I understood what stress he was in because he was head of the Department of Public Security belonging to a Police Station.Because of my concern about and understanding him,he was awarded the title of 'An Excellent Policeman'．
H7[6] at the age of fifty graduated from Junior School,after which he served in the army,and was then demobilised.His attitude toward a happy marriage and family are as follows:
[Our marriage] has passed for twenty-two-years through difficulties and hardship.In our life,...I usually took the way of understanding to settle conflicts occurring between us.Such mutual understanding helps couples to know each other and avoids completely denying their spouses.
Three examples (i.e.M6;F9;W7 &H7) firstly indicate that between wives and husbands,understanding each other is very important and is a base of marriage and family.These interviewees described this with their own experiences.Because of their mutual understanding in the home,conflict was avoided.For example,M6 understood his wife's complaint and tried to do housework if he was at home but he did not quarrel with her.H7 said that understanding could avoid domestic violence occurring between couples.If there was a conflict between them,he took the way of understanding to settle it.He thought that 'mutual understanding' was a good way to settle issues between couples.F9 stated that a base of happy marriage and family was built on understanding,respecting and treating each other well.She illustrated that she did not cold-shoulder her husband who had no job but comforted him.Understanding and consideration are the guarantee of happy marriage and family.In her narration,she said that her husband did not batter her when a quarrel occurred between them.She said that she and her husband were aware that such violence could not settle domestic conflict,by contrast it would make a conflict worse,for example,that such violence used by one would harm the other.Her story implies that they understood each other when there was a conflict between them.W7 has the same opinion on happy marriage and family as her husband.She also used the specific example to explain why 'mutual understanding' was important for couples.She could understand what stress her husband was in so that she always comforted him.In short,these examples reveal that 'mutual understanding' may be the guarantee of stability in marriage and family.
From these examples,we can also see that ideal gender equality may be recognised in China.Some husbands in my research valued their wives' role in the home.For example,H6 thought his achievement in his work was owing to his wife's understanding and support.From the story told by W7,we did not learn about the conflict between her and her husband.But according to her story,we may infer that some conflicts might be caused by the demands of his work.H7 understood his wife and made their family harmonious in the home.In addition,we would think,from their interview,that gender issues were not a problem in the home.However,we can see from other interviews that gender difference in the home may change.Women now can become breadwinners and financially independent.For example,F9 did not depend on her husband and supported their family.
Nevertheless,from these examples,we can also see that the traditional division of labour may still exist between wives and husbands.The concept of 'men outside but women inside' is powerful in society.For example,we can see that the wives' positions in Example 1 and Example 3 are still lower than their husbands in society.M6 as a husband was an advanced cadre,while W7 as a husband was head of the Department of Public Security.As a result,wives did housework more than their husbands.In addition,the phenomenon of different divisions of labour may be caused by the National Policy.For example,there is a difference in retirement age between men and women.Women do not enjoy the right of the same retirement age as men and therefore have less financial independence than men (Hershatter,2007;Leng,2003).For men (60 years old),their retirement age is higher than for women(55 years old).From Example 2 and Example 3,we can see that wives were retired,but Husband of M9 was only laid off while H7 still worked.This inequality in the division of labour may lead to some issues occurring in the home,which will reflect in other data.
Through looking at these opinions from interviewees,we can see that there may be differences from those of the academics expressed earlier.The above opinions from academics and practitioners emphasise that a base of marriage and family is built on love,economy,politics,law,and family duty.However the opinions from the interviewees did not directly link to love,economy,politics and law but they were simply and implicitly expressed in a different way.This difference arises from the Chinese culture and politics.
In respect to 'love',people may be still not used to talking about this sensitive topic openly,particularly in interviews,which was a formal conversation,they may hesitate to talk about 'love' or 'sex' openly because between 1949 and the 1970s,it was prohibited to talk about these issues openly in China.In the current reform period,discussion of love,marriage,and sexuality is no longer closely monitored by the state authorities,apart from where criminal activity is involved (Hershatter,2007).However,within Chinese culture,people may talk less about their private matters in relation to love,sex,marriage,and family in the public than in other countries.The interviewees might talk about 'love' with or for their friends but they did not openly suggest 'love',as a base of marriage and family.According to their life experiences,'mutual understanding' might be of first importance in their marriage and family and they include 'love' in this term.
Why did the interviewees suggest that 'mutual understanding' was important for their marriage and family? This is probably influenced by the Chinese social and political system.In the era between 1949 and the 1970s,particularly in the Cultural Revolution,the central government advocated that people should concentrate on'the collective' or 'organisation' (work units) but not on 'individuals' (Hershatter,2007).During that time,there was no such term as 'mutual understanding' between individuals or between individuals and 'the collective' or 'organisation' because'understanding each other' implies that there is equalily between them.Patriarchy or hierarchy as a cultural and political legacy is still left in China because of thousands and thousands of years of feudalism.Either in the home or outside the home,Chinese people may admire obedient behaviour:obey orders by leaders,by bosses,by teachers,or by elders.For example,one of marriage and family documents:the China Marriage Law (2001:5) stipulates that 'Husband and wife shall be faithful to and respect each other.Within the family members shall respect the old and cherish the young,and help one another'.Since the economic reform,Chinese political environment has been changing.The central government has started to pay attention to the equal rights of people.Freedom has been advocated in China.Within this context,Chinese people therefore would like to use the term 'understanding each other' in every aspect,because they may think that it helps a harmonious marriage and family,and a harmonious society.
8.1.2 Family duty
As discussed in Chapter 3,family is a fundamental unit of society (Cretney,2000;Deng &Xu,2001;Meng,1991;Murdock,1949;Xie,2001).Typically,family members live together and share or enjoy a common income earned by the parents.As Del Tofu (1995:18) suggests,the family is a unit of the economy,purchasing many things in order to keep itself going and to raise children.Apparently,couples as the parents should have responsibility for their families.As stipulated in China Marriage Law (2001:13),husband and wife shall have the duty to maintain each other and parents shall have the duty to bring up and educate their children.Chinese respondents in my qualitative research therefore thought that family duty is a base of happy marriage and family.Their opinions are as follows:
Example 4:F14[7] as a saleslady was thirty-one years old and completed her studies at Junior School level.She experienced domestic violence and thought that:
[Happy] marriage and family needs to build on the wife and husband together shouldering responsibility for the family.When only one is responsible for their family,i.e.,the wife or husband does her or his duty for the family,this is not good.For example,the factory where my husband and I worked had low economic benefit two years ago so that we left the factory and looked for another opportunity for our life,namely for our family.My father-in-law helped us to buy a car and my husband became a taxi-driver.I also went out and worked in a supermarket although our daughter was a little child.In order to create a good life for our family,I understood my husband's job:working as a taxi-driver was hard and I was always concerned about him because his eyesight was not good.Therefore,I did the housework and worked very hard in the supermarket.Because of the nature of my job,I went home in the late evening nearly every day.However,my husband did not do anything at home and earned less money because he worked passively.In our family,I did my duty and was a breadwinner.I could understand if there was severe competition in the taxi business.But that was not true for my husband because he had a new lover (third party) so that he did not concentrate on our family and his job.Happy marriage and family will be produced from the duty shouldered commonly by couples.
Example 5:W3[8] was thirty-four years old and completed her education in Secondary Special Technical School.She was an accountant and was unemployed from 1992 till now.She sold small commodities in order to support her family.Significantly,she was disabled because of poliomyelitis.However,in this special family,she and her husband loved each other and created their family life together.Their family was awarded the title of 'Civil Family'.She expressed that:
[We] had a happy marriage and family,which was based on our creating our family life together.For example,in 1992 I left my work unit in order to save my baby because I was disabled and pregnant.When I bore my son,I could not look after him easily because I was disabled.My husband considered our family and resolutely left his factory in order to do his duty for the family.
H3[9] was thirty-seven years old and also completed his education in Secondary Special Technical School.As indicated,he became unemployed in order to look after his wife and baby.After that,he liked to fi x computers and was employed in a private repair shop.He was from an army family which meant he was disciplined strictly by his parents.In respect to happy marriage and family,he said that:
[If] a couple wants to have a happy family,one party needs to tolerate the other.For example,my wife liked to do something domestic by herself before telling me,e.g.,buying clothes for me.In particular,she had paid fees for learning the skill of fl ower art before she told me.At that time,I was unhappy but I forgave her finally because she used money for getting knowledge that was good.Nevertheless,sometimes I also did not tell her before I decided to do something.My wife also forgave me.Now there is a phenomenon in society:broken family.I thought that the phenomenon was caused because wives and husbands did not implement their responsibility for their family.In our family,when we faced difficulties,my wife always tried to settle them,while I considered them carefully and was not impetuous.She was a practical wife but I was a theoretical husband,which let us complement each other.Therefore,we tried to create our family life together.
Examples 4 and 5 above (i.e.F14;&W3 &H3) focus mainly on family responsibility and as well as on understanding each other.From these examples,we can see that the marriage and family may be destroyed if couples cannot understand each other and are not jointly dutiful to their families.For example,Example 4 indicates that F14 implemented family duty very well,while her husband did not implement this duty.He was lazy and did not like to be a breadwinner,that is,he was not responsible towards their family.In particular,he did not respect his wife and formed a relationship with another woman.His behaviour violated the law.Because of these differences,family issues,e.g.psychological violence occurred between F14 and her husband.Speaking of her experiences,F14 emphasised that happy marriage and family will be produced if the duty was shouldered commonly by couples.In Example 5,H3 also pointed out that broken family as a phenomenon in society might occurr because both husbands and wives did not implement their responsibility for their family.Example 5 also showed that W3 and H3 understood each other and created their family life together.
In the comparison of these two examples,we can see that a gender issue occurred in the first family.W14 as a woman had to tolerate her husband and worked very hard in both the home and outside.In particularly,within this context she had to suffer domestic violence by her husband who had a new lover.She experienced this violence but she did not leave her husband by recourse to law.Such tolerance may be influenced by the traditional culture.Women's roles and identities are constructed largely around family relationship,whether as daughters,wives and mothers (Wang,2002).Within the culture and political context,Chinese people may pay more attention to collectives,including family and Danwei,and the State than their own needs.F14 therefore tolerated her husband's behaviour in the home in order to keep the family together.
Between W3 and H3,a gender issue was not prominent.This example reveals that the couple all concentrated on their family and created their family life in common.For example,W3 was disabled but she still challenged herself and did everything for the family.She did not depend on her husband.But for the family H3 left his factory and looked after his wife and son,that is,he implemented family duty,too.According to China Marriage Law (2001) 'both husband and wife shall have the freedom to study',H3 finally supported his wife to study although he was not in favour of it initially.Their common effort led to a happy marriage and family.
From these examples,we can see that the interviewees suggested 'family duty' as a base of marriage and family,instead of 'economy' as stated by the academics.Why is there a difference between the ordinary people and academics? Historically,the topic 'money',which was similar to 'love' or 'sex',could not be talked about before (between 1949 and the 1970s).If someone talked about it,he or she would be criticised and could be seen as a selfish person who had capitalist thoughts and only considered himself or herself but not 'the collective'.In this political situation,Chinese people may therefore be used to talking about 'earning money' indirectly.Possibly,they therefore stated in the interviews that family duty is an important base of marriage and family,because family duty includes earning money to support the family.Examples 4 and 5 are a case in point.For example,F14 in Example 4 worked very hard to support the family but her husband earned less money,which caused the crisis of their marriage and family.While Example 5,the couple earned money together to support their family.
Through the analysis of Examples 1 to 5,we can see that the interviewees over the age of forty might place more on emphasis on mutual understanding,while the interviewees in their thirties might concentrate more on family responsibility.This may be because children of the first group had grown up,while children of the second group were small.Family pressure of the first group may be lighter than for the second group.The center of family might be different for both groups.The first group enjoyed their lives more so that they hope for a harmonious life,which may be guaranteed by 'mutual understanding',whereas the second group needs to maintain their family life so that they hope for the development of family life,which may be guaranteed by 'family duty'.In addition,in the light of their different educational backgrounds,the interviewees held the same opinion about a base of happy marriage and family.As illustrated in Chapter 3,people hope that they have a happy marriage and family,about which people with different educational backgrounds have similar feelings.
These interviewees were born in 1940s,1950s,and 1960s which were the decades where there were a lot of political controls over the people.Their thoughts therefore were formed more or less within this background.They witnessed the reform of China.Their thoughts might be linked more to the traditional culture and the past political situation.If these interviews were carried out among the new generation who are born in 1970s and 1980s,the outcome might be different.In short,neither the interviewee nor the social researcher is some autonomous being standing outside society (Mills,1959) and cannot separate themselves from the world (Letherby,2003).All research always should link closely to and consider the relationship of their research to politics,economy,culture,society,and personal experiences.