以下选自《水的格言》
※1
佛法真谛无比深奥,
充满慈悲如意之宝;
人的一生千重波浪,
在佛海中任其远漂。
Dharma’s truth is profound matchlessly,
Filled with treasures like happiness and mercy.
There are ups and downs in human life.
One can float further in Buddha’s Sea.
»简评:
译文简洁通顺,精准达意。佛教特别强调人的生命意义,用各种比喻来表达人生。“人的一生千重波浪”被译为There are ups and downs in human life,用词通俗浅显,但是原文隐含的宗教信息被清晰地表达出来。
最后两句存在一定逻辑关系,译文本可以增加连接词,使两个句子变成一个复合句,呈现清晰的逻辑关系。
※2
如同无垢流水小溪,
把那身心燥热平息;
新著格言如同甘露,
可使智者睿智康宁。
Like a little brook without dirt
Ridding one of its hotness in body and heart,
These new maxims are like sweet dew,
And make the wise more witty and healthy.
»简评:
原文是两句,并按藏格言的常见格式呈现。译文创造性地将原文用一个句子,使用分行形式表述出来。这样突出了“新著格言”这一主题信息。整个格言诗中,“新著格言”是最核心的信息,其他信息都以此信息为中心而展开。其他信息排列有序,语义清晰。
※3
气味芳香清净之水,
供施洗脚净身皆美;
宝贵格言也是如此,
用在哪里都会增辉。
Fragrant and clean water
Is fine for one to wash his feet and body.
The rare maxims are like water,
And will add splendor wherever they are used.
»简评:
这首格言诗与上面一首结构完全相同,但是译者却用另外的句式表达。译文用两个句子,每句结构浅显,意思清晰。两句同现water一词,整个格言诗在语篇上呈现连贯性。
※4
僧俗取舍之道弄通,
现在将来都会成功;
如同一位善察船师,
茫茫大海航行无恐。
If one knows the way of taking and giving,
He will succeed at present and in the future,
Like an observant helmsman
Who sails in vast seas with no fear.
»简评:
译文套用原文结构,化繁为简,将原文信息巧妙地转换出来。译文由一个复合句组成。原文的后半部分(比喻句)被转换成介词短语,在译文的句子中,起着状语的作用,补充说明相关信息。在介词短语中,一些信息用定语从句表达(Who sails in vast seas with no fear)。这样,整个句子结构平衡,语义组合和谐。
※5
小小河水不敢通行,
滔滔海水怎敢游泳;
如果不知圣贤之道,
佛法要旨怎能精通?
If one dare not cross a small river,
How dare he swim in surging sea water?
If one does not know the saintly way,
How can he master the gist of Buddha?
»简评:
译文增译主语,使句子结构合理,语义清晰。
译文增译词汇,实现押韵效果。“滔滔海水怎敢游泳”被译成How dare he swim in surging sea water?显然,water一词是增译的冗余词汇,但是这个词汇可与上一句的river构成尾韵。
※6(https://www.daowen.com)
正直诚实聪明之人,
总是吸取别人学问;
草原上的徐徐流水,
低声轻吟把花儿寻。
The one who is square,honest and wise
Always learns knowledge from others.
The gently-flowing water in the grasslands
Chants in low voices and seeks flowers.
»简评:
译文将原文信息逐词转换,句子结构非常简单,表达非常流畅,意义被忠实地转换出来。可谓巧然天成。
※7
坏人即使游荡四方,
总是寻觅丑恶伎俩;
如同崖缝迸出急流,
专与泥沙污秽结帮。
Bad people loaf around everywhere,
Looking for frightful intrigues all the time;
As the shoot bursting from cliff cracks
Blends with mud,sand and nastiness.
»简评:
译文没有刻意追求押韵,但句子简洁清晰,韵律有力铿锵,意思清晰流畅。
译文选词很精当。“急流”用the shoot译出,“如同崖缝迸出急流”被译作As the shoot bursting from cliff cracks,语境意义和搭配都非常精当。
※8
当初求学非常艰难,
荒废起来一下就完;
滴水满缸非常不易,
如果泼掉只是瞬间。
It is hard to pursue study.
But to waste it is very easy.
It is hard to fill a vat.
But to spill it takes only an instant.
»简评:
为了实现押韵效果,译文使用了倒装。“荒废起来一下就完”被译成But to waste it is very easy。
译文中有选词不精准的情况。“滴水满缸非常不易”,这句中的“滴”是指房檐或石缝中的水一滴一滴地从上面滴到一个大缸里,强调由少变多、由小众变大量的艰辛过程。但是,译文用fill来翻译,原文的意义损失较多。这里如果改为drop,则原文意义会很清晰、精准地传达出来。
※9
如果能够吃苦大干,
任何事情都不困难;
如果已经钻进水中,
瓢泼大雨何必怕呢?
If one can work very hard,
There is nothing difficult to fear;
If one is already in water,
Why bother about the shower?
»简评:
译文忠实通顺。“任何事情都不困难”被译成There is nothing difficult to fear,句型选择合理,语义表达准确流畅。
“瓢泼大雨”被译为shower似乎不准确。
※10
勤奋若能持之以恒,
循序渐进万事皆成;
小河流水奔腾不息,
能够走遍辽阔大地。
If one can preserve his diligence,
Everything will succeed in proper sequence.
Small rivers that keep on running
Can flow through the vast land.
»简评:
译文没有很好地转换翻译视角,显得有些生硬。第二句“循序渐进万事皆成”被译成Everything will succeed in proper sequence。这里,Everything will succeed搭配是可以的,但是,前一句是If one can preserve his diligence。前一句是从句,后一句是主句,主句的主语如果换成he,则这个复合句的结构更合理,逻辑更顺畅,语意更清晰。